If this is true, it means that i can only get it when im very stressed or depressed.  Who knew right? But alhamdulillah shukur. Maybe its his reminder to tell me there's more to life then all that suffering. Now im forced to do this for me. Im determined i can be more focused in life now. Phew its going to be tough. But i hv to make it.

Rasa mcm dah tak kuasa. Dah mcm2 die buat nak tekan nu. Rasa dah numb gitu dah takde effect. Pon malas nak react or do something about it. Tapi sape nu as a mentor kalo die pon tak kasi nu chan mentor die. Die pon mcm taknak learn from me. So buat ape waste time kan. Sepatutnya die la yg don make it bukan nezsa. Sakit hati. Tak tau nape nu sorang je yg nampak keburukan die. Tapi org lain tak. Nu pon tak mcm attack atau react. Tapi die buat kat nu byk. Rasa org tau tak yg kita tak get along? Rasa dorang tau tak perkara yg sebenarnya? Rasa org peduli ke? Kan nu nak blah. Suka tak suka tetap dorang kena kerja dgn die ape.

It feels uncomfortable when people wants to get to know my family. Esp if its from work. I was told that i take time to warm up to others and that i don't immediately let people in. Its true. Im careful about who i trust. And i can be loyal. But to forcefully hving others to get to know my daus name age what school she came from. Im like. Wait. Wat? I wondered why i dont feel comfortable. I mean there are things around work that involves family. Like p5 camp fire, family day, olive run. But its just a no no for me. Maybe its just me disliking the school and the place and how it effects of damage me so i dont want the same to happen to my love ones. I guese im ok if my school is where i send my daus. Hmz we qill see. Good to reflect on this

All morning i see my future school. It was weird. But i only realised it when everything was so quiet. Drving here i thought about the uluness and calmness driving to sumang walk. Walking along the classroom i see the othe classroom all new and furnished. I sighed at the thought that its only February. Felt its too long. And ao draggy. I wondered how was it like for others who alao had a few month left and cant wait to leave. Not cant bear to leave. :b then i think about how my learning difference kids who hates my lessons due to hate for reading and spelling. How different thier motivational aapects as ckmpared to other disabilities. Or ami just too naive. Anyway i see at as a good sign. Maybe allah taalaj wan to assure me that its soon. That my happiness is surely coming insyallah l. Just need to be a little more patient. That also made me wonder how do others think about people who are leaving? Relieved im still here? I had that w my ex boss. But it was short. Mine is way too long. How will anyone be relieved right?

I feel like lost here. Also i think i shut people away. I dont look for company  i prefers to be alone. Of i do get sensitive when things happen. I feel like I'm in this on my own. I feel like im punishing myself, but its not my fault. I feel like its everybody's fault. And ive tried my best but nobody appreciates me. Im dieing. Im not happy.

Omg... she actually did that? I should hv known! I wish i was there though. Its nice to see her trampled on! I heard she was shouting and arguing w my nemesis. About oweing her an apology. All he just stayed numb not defending himself. Only to ask my ro to come. But she bluntly say to her not to interfere its between him and herself! Woa. I donno how is this going to effect now. As usual he will make up his side of his story and get the emphaty of others. And get popular because of this. But im glad im going off soon. Maybe i just need to be more careful. Because he will do things to get back at her through me? He is quite a vengeful sort. I just need to keep my calm and not get reactive. And remember that it's not worth it. Remember that my future is not now. I just need to wait it out. And just so what i nees to do. Not more then that.