Depressly shy

Feeling so stupid right now. I wish i had more thinking time to process my speech rather then just go and end it. It happen again. Twice! I just take time to open up to people. But with this situation im so worried about what people think of me and now its just. Haiz... after talking to abg and saw the real truth i felt even worst. I felt so stupid. This was my one chance and i ruined it. I told myself i can talk and get excited talking about what i love. But it was wrong time wrong place too sudden too abrupt. How do i turn it around? I do not want them to remember me this way. Ive got so many questions. Does he has high expectations of me? Did he regret choosing me? Did I fail him by being pregnant and off from work again at this such leftover time of 4 months. Is that why he kept on attacking me. It's effecting me so badly. As if im no good in anything. Im so lost and troubled right now. I don't know how to turn it around. I wish there's somebody who can assure me that its ok. Im scared i screw up again. Will they forget about  what happen?

After talking it out, i realised something worrying. There were many encounters with him. And it started out at the wrong step  and now he is just attacking me and making me feel this way every time. i think its the 3rd encounter this time. The first was when he blamed it on me for not informing after being rejected getting me to start in jan instead of jun right after a harsh convo with my ex p. I felt so wrong of myself but later found out that its his fault and manage to not take it too personally. Second was when i inform about my pregnancy when during intvw he ask if im planning for 2nd i said no. 3rd was when he introduce me to staff and later cut me off and imply that im going off again so soon because or maternity leave. I was so embarrassed. 4th was when he ask new comers about how was our few days during contact time but when it comes to me he ask me more excessively about whether i used my skills. Of course i answeres general as there were everybody there like say its good and i learnt alot. Then he ask me to name name of pupils. I got shock and i ans not supposed to mentioned names. He said its ok. Cut me off and endded the meeting.

I have enough of him attacking me. Its him now i need to study. But i don contact with him so much. I also don want to be in his bad books. I don blame him for being angry at me. But those situations i hv no control over things. I cant control my ex p cant release me early. I cant control being pregnant. Is he going to continue attacking me again? Does it make him feel good? I don see him attacking other staff like he do me. But i do see some people got uncomfortable when being asked questions and not rebutting it.

Honestly im abit lost on how am i supposed to do my work. As if everything is done up for me already. And they are expecting of me things that are way off because things seem to be more milder and ok now? Im getting a lot of mixed opinions and im not sure who or wat to focus on right now.

I was reading this article about meticulous bosses. "These meticulous and strict bosses are not to be confused with the micro-manager. The meticulous boss will be on top of everything and always know what everyone is working on at any given time. This type of boss can be effective and productive. The strict boss will work you hard but lets you get on with it. The micro-manager, however, will actually get in the way of you doing a good job, which in turn can create resentment, damage trust and lead to the employees feeling frustrated.

Read more: http://aimtobe.co.uk/professional/how-to-manage-a-micro-manager/#ixzz4CmrherH9 "

I guess its ok if he's not micro managing. I still hope that being meticulous doesn't get in the way of my work. But it may dampen creativity and innovation. Hmz. 

"Awareness

Try to perceive the behaviours as good intentions taken to the extreme. Their interpretation of positive characteristics such as diligence, reliability and commitment is rather radical. However, the important factor remains that they possess these. Remind yourself that the constant checking is no reflection of your work and is not personal; it is about your manager and their management style. Avoid the temptation to become defensive or resentful. Focus on how to deal with the situation rather than dwell on how you wish things were different.

Read more: http://aimtobe.co.uk/professional/how-to-manage-a-micro-manager/#ixzz4CmtVdjwh "

Also on P.A.I.N.S as in A in awareness that its not personal and just take it like its more of his working style or personality. I mean he did day if after a year then when things more familiar then no need do such reports. Hmz.

First day today, I'm trying to learn about people, and this time, I'm find hard to read my own boss. Maybe its his approach about how meticulous he can be. He expects me to sent him a documentation on when I come in to do observations? I did reason that I've already inform teachers beforehand and they are okay. He said Ms Thia asked him, how come I'm in the classroom. He said he replied he didn't know. Erm, he has supervised someone with my Job spec isnt it? It's pretty basic to know that I want to observe to familiar myself with the kids. Maybe it's just him, insecurity. He did say alot about covering me if something goes wrong. But from what I noticed, the teachers seemed ok. As they they want help. But he is trying to tell me to step back and update him about everything. Honestly, throgh my experience with many bosses, I usually do my job on my own. If If i have to check with him about every single thing then, its difficult to move on forward I find. Abit weird that he randomly commented that I'm on the ball. when teacher asked me about the observation. On another note, I find that teachers are very keen for me to speak more, to be more open, but looks like I give very brief feedback about what I have observed. Maybe I should run my thoughts first before talking to them. I think they definately deserve more help. Else, why am I observing right?

Yup its been sometime since i last blogged. This time its about i was finallyone step ahead and out of that hidous hatred place. Although abit overwhelmed with the work and cases. Im actually abit concern about social about making friends honestly i felt like i was to myself and not ready to open up or share. Like how everybody seem to be. Maybe i should start with friendly conversations first before i jump into work conversations. I also donno how to not be so awkward silent around people. Like looking down and waiting around. I just don know or maybe forget how to be more socialable. I know i don want conversations to be all about work. I do want friends as well. But it also depends on how i first approach others too. Whether to be start with being friendly or straight away jump into work conversations. Must keep that in mind.