Am I musically inclined?

I was starting to think that I need to find time for myself to myself. Only way for me to rethink and refresh my priorities. Doing this often helps me cope with depression and severe shyness issues. Due to my hectic married cum working cum childcare life, I normally have NO time for ME time. Strangely, I found being in the car can be quite therapeutic. I explored other ways for ME time in the car, with the car. I forced myself to sing along with the music played in the car. Just hearing my own voice helps me to overcome some shyness. I think. Somehow music helps with creating a happier mood to start off the day. Ironically it ends with music too, if I workout at the gym. Exercising at the gym is great! I really felt much happier after that. We will see how. Will u keep you updated

Felt like Shit!

I felt like Shit earlier. Having to force myself to go through so much social pressure makes me feel like Shit! Forced to face him to pretend that last week was not his fault. It's just my personal matter. I made that decision because I don want to go through another round of social pressure from the manager if he choose to fight this out. Of course I'm more cleverer than him. Then the next social pressure to see my boss re some urgent matter. Which was just the declaration for travel which she discourage me from going but she signed and approve me of going anyway. Then she gave some lecture of how she don't see me during recess. She pretend to know when I mentioned during recess block I have ICS. Must be that jackass always there seen around her during recess and not me. And then how she wants me to provide interventions even with pupils with no diagnosis. In my heart I was telling myself this isn't what I signed up for. I'm outta here for good. So I braved up and tell her about my intention to transfer due to some personal reason I made up. I figured no point telling them off their system sucks and no support might as well quit or move. And later on meet vp to tell her the same things. Argh!!! Effects my mood terribly! I felt guilty for using force on my boys for not being able to control his self talk. I was so flustered end of the day I forced myself to workout at gym. And boy it did felt good. No social pressure. Just loud music in feeling the beat in my heart.

I realised that I could talk better if I assume that there's no people behind me and they are busy therefore little attention given. I'm surprised I could be myself and share wisdom like I'm supposed to. Usually I'm super shy plus the anxiety and worried about other people are thinking about me, maybe criticising and being judgmental. I wish I don't need to care about what people think of me. But how do people who are care-less even do it. They make a fool and they don't feel anything?  Not a wee bit regret? I'm forever worried about that. Here's to poor social skills. Poor anxiety coping skills.

Feeling friend-less

 I thought I could share and confide to this person I trust. But I was wrong. She didn't even ask me why or what happen. She say okla no motivation quit lah. And ask when. I mean I know u are chair person and reaping rewards, but we used to be close friends isn't it? I always am wrong about her. I should know better. She ask why didn't I come tgt with him. She didn't probe further and said abis tak berbual. I mean I really needed someone to confide to. But obviously she's not keen. I feel friend-less. I feel like under the rock. I feel stuck. I hated this. I wish I had a better working environment. No one is on my side. This is work bullying.

I didn't know my social anxiety plus consciousness was so severe. To a point I feel like others are afraid to start a conversation with me. Sometimes I'm too worried about what I say will be weird or rude or unacceptable. I try to be myself but it seems to not work. This period of self realisation allows me to observe and quickly learn hows others do it. It's so f*ING natural to some people, i hated them!! Like how to quickly translate to malay, how to be super nice and assuring and how to turn rejection or negative comments to positive ones. Hmz... 'kuar sikit nah? Tak biasa mkn laksa. Tapi mak suka. Abah tak mkn sgt' Or like 'tak amek lagi Mee? Makan kuih makan kuih' Or like 'sikit nye amek Mee! Semua rumah datang ada makan' It's a learning for me but it's so easy for some....

am I Shy?

I noticed my photos looked ugly. I hated the way I look. I hated the way I smiled. I hated how my body looked. As if the camera hates me. As if the camera is my enemy. I wonder if this portrays the hardship I've been through this year. All the sadness, depression, and loneliness. I admit I forgot the meaning of being happy. I am still socially deprived. Sometimes I wish I am socially active. Sometimes I shut everyone out. Nobody understands this shyness I have. Wondered what's the cause. Is it how my parents brought me up? Or maybe it's marriage transition that's killing me slowly inside, psychologically. Supposed to be happily married. I am happy. But something else ain't balancing it out right. It's only work. I forgot what it feels like to be happy with life. Always wish I could turn back time. No idea how lonely it is. I guess it's all link; sadness, loneliness, shyness, and shutting people out. Dear me please let people in. Please allow some social care. Open up don't be too conscious. Don't be too rude either. Start with being happy first. Chiaoz.

Self Realisation

Today I created this book to acknowledge that I may hv depression caused from work stress. Typically I would hv sleepless nights worrying about work, how I'm not good enough, worthless and worst of all helpless. I always thought I've got a job that I love, time to settle down, and it would be the same anywhere. I was wrong. I kept giving myself chances again and again, to a point where I'm in too deep. I'm stuck. I suddenly realise this place is not for me and I must move on. I know  I use to love it, but this love will not come back like it used to. I am determined this time that it is time to move on no matter how much I hate changes. This depression is too much. I worry, I get overly anxious, I get too emotionally unsound. I even stray away from my faith. It was scary as if I don't care anymore. As if I wish I could dissappear from this earth. I give up, I won't speak up to defend myself, I hated myself, I hated my body. I hated that I cannot be assertive when I needed to especially when I know I'm not in the wrong. I gained weight. I gv up my motivation to change that. I hv no friends. I always stay away because I don like people to know me, I don't want to exist. On bad days im overly anxious about what others think of me, judging me, comparing me. Now is more prominent with new . It just kill me because he is loud and everybody seem to like him better then me. I don feel respected as someone more experience. I felt misplaced. Don belong. I hv no idea what I did wrong in my transfer. I hv no idea I had a d grade just for defending my rights. EP tried to help.me but it got him in trouble instead. I'm confused. I donno how to go on. It just taunts me Everytime I need to sleep. I will be up for hours worrying thinking helplessly. I need help.

Am I Shutting People Out?

I know it's been awhile since my last post. Well better late then never. It's Raya eve at work and I'm reflecting over this 4 years here. 9 years in service due to relocation. It's been lonely and depressing. I realized I have always shut people out once I don't trust them. I feel a little sad that I'm working under a rock' not socializing, good work goes unnoticed. I know it's time to move on. I wish its a little faster. I'm still bonded due to a course i just completed. I kept on thinking how in my future work I'm going to change things from the start. I'm going to force myself to socialize, to make an impression, in both the social as well as the work. I do not want this current work-style of doing great work unnoticed, and only my cluster mates knows what I'm doing. I kept on telling myself its the culture here that's different. It's like working in another country with different culture, where they may practice favoritism and very judgmental of your past. plus its not helping if you have a hypocritical boss. I have my fair share of bad bosses before. best to stay away from them because they are not my line of defense if something bad happens. they just want to cover their ass first. I have to be patient. just half a year and I'm outta here. No worries if I have no friends. or if others find me odd and unfriendly. I just want a more happier work life balance. I'm going to find my dream job one day. you'll see.