Feeling upset. How others can be nominated for caring award when they are barely new. When they are socially loud. When these people dont really know the real deal about them. Upset. No recognition even in my last few months left. Upset. I feel lost. Now that even my own boss is leaving. The only person who knpws what im doing . Who else will stand up for me? I guese i better do up my strategy to be recognised in new sch. Knowing my future boss is a complete blur. Upset.

Ive been doing ot of self reflection lately. More so about my poor communication skills and social abilities. This is something i worry about because i don have a sense of humour, i dont talk smart, i dont inspire others, im plain boring. Sometimes i want to be heard, but felt like nobody is listening. Sometimes i day dream about i could talk wisely and have people nodding thier heads in agreement. So this post is about listing what i want to say vs what other people what to hear? I guese people what to hear something inspiring and funny experiences. It have them frame this impression of you and is somehow remembered because of what inspired them or funny it was. Reflecting back from my few contacts from departmental sharing or sch leaders i felt that i share what i want to heard, but more like doesnt necessarily answer the question. I think i have alot of that. I hear ur questions. But i want to be heard first you know. At times my processing of thoughts are kind of slow where i wan to say something but the person hv moved on another topic. Then its too late for me to contribute anything. I dont know if this has to do with anything about me being slow in warming up or easily conscious about what other people thinks about me. Just easier to talk to some people but not all. I could talk well and be myself with people im comfortable with. Like when i told sh how i felt like i was neither here nor there and feeling lost. Then after that it was eaay to open up and learn about yap tendencies. These are the kind of conversationa im aiming for. Of coz the round robins ones are a killer because its always an absolute killer waiting for your turn and think about what to say. I guese now for a start i could think of what others inpires about me and note down funny experiences to share

I need to assess this person. Cant help but feeling im always being put down whenever i talk to him. Like during the round robin when i was stuck with the question on cce, being a lead, i think he should prompt me if i appear to be nervous or anxious right. Then when i shared about sno n previous sch n playgroup die tak mcm pre phase what i said or pakai balik. Then during the presentation  when i ask why my name was not there. Ade dia cakap straight into my face that I'm not confirm yet. Sakit seh hati dengar macamtu. Worst thing is... he is my boss! How to work with someone like this? When i ask him about supporting transition pupils pon die mcm give that aura like, u dont do anything until i tell you u can do it. Must follow processes everything. Must check with school leaders first. Susah lah kerja mcm gini. I think lsp also mcm get that vibe must find out before sch open. Takkan nak wait until sch open. Nasib vp ckp the asd kids dah ok and she already spoken to the parents. Ishh... first question to ask P. How is he like? How is his working style like? And how best to work with him.

misplaced literally

I'm feeling misplaced literally. Is it my fault that the schools dont communicate amongst themselves regarding my release date? Mungkin ade hikmahnya. Mungkin if i do voice out and both schools could not come to terms then i would not be able to be transfered. So takpe. Kuasa allah. Allah taallah jer yg tau how much i prayed for it and wanted it. Sometimes my quiet nature can be a blessing at times. I just need to continue having faith in him and be close to him because only he knows whats best for me.

First Time at new school

Words cannot describe how thankful I was to finally be free. Although there were little things like space issues, i think nothing beats an understanding principal who tales care of our concerns and needs. I've easily made some friends and i think im going to like it being pionneer staff. I know i have to careful and not make the same mistakes at mee toh esp when it comes to social issues. As being introvert, can be tough. But having one friend is enough. But i notice i tend to be quiet ans shut down to some. Esp when i feel intimidated and afraid. I become super conscious. Then i start to doubt myself. Thatz where i think i sound stupid and i just want to stay quiet throughout the conversation. But its easy once i feel comfortable, i remembered their facts and take not of thier likes and dislikes to be able to connect them better. Maybe i should do that more to people i shut pff to? Like ken and Melissa. Just be myself. Get to know them a little more, like how i do with nora and hanisah. But more then that im happy with where im heading alhamdulillah. Only that i cant help being the quiet self when faced with a problem. 2. One is how is pcps going to talk to mts about hving an earlier release date. And two my room i require classroom needs like visulizer and projector

method to cope with suffocation

It feels suffocating to wait another 8 more months before I can officially leave this hell hole! But don't worry I have a strategy to help me go by. I'm going to list down all the things to look forward to at work to let time pass. Same time not to make me look as if I'm passing time. Can't help feeling that way. Like today I stick on  my table something to help me go by the day. It was making my kids happy during ICS. Next year can be training my trainee. Happy things. Not degrading things like calling parents stack of work. No need to repair relationships if your boss don't push. For what if I'm leaving anyway. I'm actually more worried about handover work if my trainee would to leave first.  But let's hv him worried about that. Why me. Haiz I should live a more carefree life. Don't need to feel guilty making him suffer.

Motivation

I realised I haven't been much living. I've also been killing my brain cells for not using them much. Gosh. Must be my addiction, or rather obsession with my handphone. Kinda useless really. Facebook, Instagram, carousels, Q10. Time to do things without the handphone. I love the time I work up in the wee hours before work to read newspaper while having oats. I read somewhere it helps the happy hormones as well. Only problem is. After marriage no newspapers get sent right at the doorstep. It's too easy to sleep early at night but so difficult to wake early for this. Hopefully once this kick in. I could also do the treadmill early morning. Hmzz but it's gonna be noisy waking others up.

Side tracked, new goal, weigh 70kg before the new job. Possible? My problem has always been motivation.  Once I start something it's difficult to stay with it. When something turns me down  it attacks me hard and it's tough to get up again. That's me. I'm still trying how to change this.

Sweet retribution

Yesterday another war broke out. It doesn't involve me of course but I was there to witness it. Wow! Of course I'm the type who would stay away from conflicts. But she... Bravo... can really go all out to destroy him. She was detailed and damn factual. Whereas he was judgemental and negative. Who wants to listen to that crap. Just one word for him. Backstabber! And now everybody witness it. Childish maybe, but everyone see your true colours now. I don't have to show anything. It's evidentfull.  This is what I call sweet retribution :)

Stay Away From Them

I learned to always be wary of others especially if you know they feedback to boss often. It's not safe feeling as if you are being spy-on all the time. I thought of being nice because I empathize to the fact that he would be under a lot of pressure after hearing about my news to transfer out. Which means a lot of handover work! And boy did he freaked out! He is the kind who don't handle pressure or stress very well. He would blow up and tell on others. Which is sad because me the quiet on always have to solve his mess! And worst that he never acknowledged that. I don't understand personalities of this nature. It's complicated. And I am very relieve that I will soon not work with him anymore. Of course the school thinks that it's personal reasons but most importantly I got out! Yet still able to move on doing what I love. I think I have been super clever about how to. Being quiet has its advantages. A thinker, careful speaker. And baam! Sooner or later I be out! I just need to think about how to last this 8 months here. Let's just prioritize in transition and handover work, of course I like the thought of him spying and worrying whenever he sees me packing and emptying my cupboards. I know he reports every single tiny thing to boss. Because boss seem to ask me a lot of questions that she never had. Hmzz... suspicious but so evidently possible.

That being that said. Over lunch we spoke about another college who seemed to match each and every personality he has. Interestingly it's a she. And also in favor of the SLs. Interested to know how they turned out, esp if they can't work under pressure, yet is a popular favourite... hmzz?

New school new future.

I can't wait for me to start work there. What better way for me to withstand this last 6 months is how am I going to succeed there socially. Socially is something that I need to learn  from as it doesn't come naturally for me. And I'm usually judged as sombong, selfish. What I wish to be viewed as is someone friendly, helpful, advisor, loyal and giving. So I thought I used this blog to reflect on how and what to do to achieve such status, before someone else takes over me.

My Workstation
1. I noticed that having snacks or food on my own workstation helps to attract people to socialise.
2. Having fun photos of friends or family tells others that you are friendly and sociable
3. Posters or information about special needs tells others that you are approachable and likes to give advise
4. Quotes corner tells others that you are highly motivated
5. Stock up on things that others might need in emergency; panadol, menses pad, tissue, telekung
6. Open up space for prayer if conducive

Spokesperson
1. Muslim welfare like prayer room, facilities, or food
2. Care group for all counselling, lsp/lsm

Car
1. Volunter to use for transport of sch events like teachers day or function
2. Invite to sent home if along the way

Social Media - Facebook, installation
1. Photos of colleudges
2. Thanking them publicaly with photo if given gifts
3. Happy photos of u at works
4. Photos of ur room and kids in it
5. Invite them to family events and post photos of them, hari raya open house
6. Tag them articles that interest them or reminds you of them

Whatsaap group
1. Buy their advertised food or things like kuih raya and baju
2. Post funny or inspirational photos to make their day
3. Wish them happy birthday
4. Empathise and show concern
5.

popular
1. Prep before staff workshops
2. Volunter in sharing or embarrassing urself something many choose not to do
3. Speak up and angkat others? Like ur boss maybe
4. Be involved in photos, websites or anything staff or work related

How will I survive last 6 months?

It's been awhile since I last blogged. I've been going through a tough depressing time last few weeks or so. It's been tough going through open posting exercise. A mixed roller coaster ride of emotions. Ups and downs.  Really crazy! Well to sum up, I've done so many things to try my luck to get out of this hell hole, including applying for other jobs and applying for transfer as well as increase chances to conceive so to extend my nopayleave and eventually get out. As u see, I'm very desperate. I'm going all out to help change my environment to manage my depression better. So alas, I've been shortlisted for interviewes to transfer school and was offered a job there. The only problem is, release date will only be 6 months later!! Freaking 6 months!! Sigh what am I going to do to survive this depression. Honestly I don't know. But I do know it's going to be tough. It appears there's new programs and processes to do in 2016. Sigh... And the reason I'm out is because I hated dealing with processes, I prefer pupil focus, like teaching and strategy based. Gosh I keep asking myself, should I do the bare minimum? Or should I go all out and be worn-out again? While I was reading articles online, the later would be better. But having much thought about it, will I be appreciated?  All these years my hardworking was not appreciated and identified. It's always been him. And his work who defines it all. Never mine. So even if I do all out? And later be criticised when I'm gone. Is it all worth it? Because he is narcissism and he would do that. No matter how my boss is quite aware of that. It's weird that the trainee brought this up to my boss, but my boss never really checked on me if it was true as I was the mentor. Well enough about all this. I just want to look forward into the future. As I know the change of environmen will surely help my depression. Let's take one day at a time shall we. No need to prove anything to anyone.

Night Safari

I always hated it when my weekends is spent by myself. I guess I was afraid my depression would come creeping in again which will in turn effects my whole week. Weekends is how I'd like to recharge my happy and be sane. I was upset knowing that this weekend is it. But having a wonderful husband who sacrificed his time from work, for the last minute date night was priceless. (can't help feeling guilty it may result in him being scolded by his boss though) I just wanted a memory to counter my stressful week, while sustaining my sanity. I guess I really worked hard for making it possible. I pushed myself in finding my happy. (from last post) but I hope next time not to the extend of troubling others please. But we had an awesome romantic time. Picnicing during the animal show. Cuddling in the breeze of the tram. And some fearful episodes of having animals so close to you. Sigh... Love this kind of experience. It makes me more in control of my life. Nobody owesvmy happy except myself. More of this kind of happy to keep me going in this job!

My Happy At Home

Last night was the straw I could stand with myself being myself. I can't help being sensitive about my emotional self. Learning about extroverts helps alot. Alot to just think about my priorities for once! I was able to rethink about my happy and decided this is it. I understand now what it takes to sacrifice for my own happy. Ditch thinking about others and trying to make others happy. This time has change! What happened yesterday makes me realised happiness is to seek, to force own self to do it, to be found later that it's not that bad. Break from the old boring routines! Change! Do things that makes you happy. That's the only way to beat your depression! Care for yourself first before you care for others. Love yourself first before you love others. Peace!

Introvert

I've been interested on the topic of introverts extroverts and ambivert. So I've been self observing and self learning about what makes or breaks my mood and tried to figure out why. I realised I'm somewhat a severe introvert. In addition to my depression, my moods haywired. So sometimes it's hard to figure out why I'm in an irritable mood of tears when I had my alone time earlier. I tried to experiment various ways, like, having all the way active time and alone time in the end. The result, worst as I regress into tears and lots of pain. I also reflected when I was young, how did I survived. I usually had a routine of TV and later quiet plus darkness at the end of the day. Ironically I hated talking to my boyfriend then. I didn't want to hear myself talk. That's my introvertness telling myself. It's quite time now.

I had to figure a balance to survive this depression cum severe introvertness. Now that I'm married with a child. The routines doubled or tripled more, so how am ever going to find alone time to recover my severe introvertness?

Do I need to change, and adapt to changes? I think that's a bad idea because it did cause me to be more depressed. Of course talking to my husband an extrovert did not help. Because let's face it extroverts dont understand introverts and vice versa. He did gave the suggestion to change and adapt to changes. I hv doubts about that.

I think I do wana learn and read up more about extroverts. Especially on why do they need to talk and make others laugh. Why they feel weird if it's too much quiet? Sometimes I also wondered how do end up falling in love and marrying an extrovert?  Or wells...

Random ramblings

It's strange that sleeping would make me feel bad about myself. Like I felt wasted. I have plan to gym later, end up sleeping and overshot the time. Poof super late! Cancelled my gym
gym Instead of sleeping I could have done better things like looking for my lost certificate or go library and do reading. Is this how u spend ur me time? Sleeping?  So disappointed in myself.

I wish I'm pregnant. I kept reminding myself Allah has it all planned out. That maybe now is not a good time. I'm kinda sick of this waiting game. What plan? Is it career? Am I suppose to do something?

When I feel down I really feel down. I'm just so bored of my life. My job is draining me dry. I hate it. I wish it's as easy as quiting and staying at home. But it's not that easy. I would regret in future if I do that. It's waiting is all I can do. Argh. Soon stressful!

People say Work to Live not Live to Work. No wonder it has been depressing. So dedicated for work but no perks. Forget it! Wasn't even entitled to the pay raise. Because of my grade. My grade is stagnant because my school don gv me opportunities to succeed. Even if I show I do. It's usually not recognised. I need to get out of here badly!

Happy mood?

It was so weird that yesterday was the first time I ever felt good about the day. I tried to make the same thing happen today but it didn't. Maybe it was the calm aura of waking up. No annoying alarm of his. No one tugging me to jolt me to wake. Not much bright lights. It's nice and quiet.  Helps Alot! I guese it's a good idea to find ways to start the day right so to be happier and less depress throughout the day.

It's also weirder that I kept thinking about old times, how I used to love what I do, now I hated them. I guess it's this freaking place that depressed me. All the confusion and misleading jobscope that I'm supposed to do. Where's all the passion gone to?

I used to loved playgroup w my special needs kids, listen to their quirkiness, feeling the love to help them succeed in school life. But what happen now? It's a drag thinking of playgroup here. Boring... Slow... Kids? Not as challenging. Coz they are doing well. Worst if others think that I'm not doing work.

That reminds me. I'm kinda worried how am I going to inform the interviewer about the malicious rumour my f might say just to detroy the transfership. How the heck am I supposed to do that without making me look bad myself. I might as well be rejected flat. But it's the damn truth how the hell am I going to go through this?

Value myself?

Feeling of self-worth? It's tougher here. I feel like the only way is to start new somewhere else. Am working on it. But in the meantime, I need to feel good about myself. How?

Suppose to think positive thoughts and make a list of things that makes me special and unique.

1- quiet gentle impactful
2- thinker observer

Kind of difficult to think if it's regarding work. So much easier to think if it's for family.

1- caring
2- put others first
3- good planner
4- organising
5- eye for details
6- sensitive
7- good with kids
8- gentle disciplinary
9- resourceful
10- good executive functioning
11- good in problem solving

Lists goes on.
Work just makes me feel meh... I really have lost interest. It's becoming more and more less challenging for me. I really want to move on. I'm just waiting. Hanging by the thread...

Push people away?

I know people say I tend to push people away or shut people out. But I hv no idea how I do it. Yesterday's major social session. Aka my dau's birthday session, help me realise exactly how. Before this I have practice empty talks and starting conversations to help break the ice of guessowhom I never met before.which I did. And a good improvement in my social anxiety and shyness Alhamdulillah. Like one youtuber used to say I have to practice being comfortable in uncomfortable situations. But somehow at the end of the session where I've been reminding myself it's closing time. It's all over soon, more guest came! I was abit overwhelmed and I turn to an auto shutdown mood. That's where I think I start to be abit cold towards others shut them out and pushing them.away. I purposely choose to be alone, pretending to pack the desserts, some guest came to me, most probably wanting to take some desserts. I think I made afoul face, I was quiet and houling space. Mistake. Some guests tried to make empty conversations with me asking about nearby props I made and how their son loves minion. I reply with just an acknowledgement. I mean come on Yati, here's your chance you know you are good at it. You can make them laugh. Entertain them. I also wasn't very attentive about what's going around me
 I think I know some hats where missing g but I was afraid to retrieve it back nicely. It takes higher level social skills but I donno. Other guests are looking.

There's also another situation where I tried convincing guest to stay as we are curling cake soon. Then after that I was numbed. I dono.what to do next. In my mind I was thinking what are still doing here. Go la. But I could hv ask then to take position behind cake table. Or even ask them choose props. Mum could help too right. What's wrong w me.

In a way it's good that I've came to a stage of my social anxiety cum shyness problem to actually act upon it. More like being an observer and reflect upon my mistakes. What I did good and how to do better. I'm proud to say. Well done of myself. There are goods and bad points but I have to say I improve alot from the last major social thingy also her birthday.

Perhaps next time, I could try to have an eagle's eye perspective on having to pay attention to everything. Having to walk around, here there, everywhere, and not just localise myself at the cake deco doorgifts station. Where's all the children? Are they having fun? The mums and dads can help out too. Do the guests have enough seats? If they have to relocate after eating to make way for other guests, do I apologise for the inconvenience? Is the space for eating clean and appropriate for them? Welcoming new guests? Going off guests, did I entertain them? Do I apologise for being busy and not able to entertain them? Minta maaf kalo tak terlayan, maklumlah, sibuk sikit. Have I say tank you and give them token of appreciation as doorgifts. Also for children as well. Who is suppose to do that? Me Abang or Mak? Do I need to ask Mak if it's ok to give, because she controls the number? Do I need to assure her that it's enough? Cut cake session, how do I announce to start?


It's alot on taking care of people hearts. Making sure they don't feel sad or angry or scared or any other negative feelings. Alot like sims2 game. It's like a catching up game.

Also how do I take time for myself, like having healthy short shutdown periods to rest from my social anxiety and shyness. Perhaps setting time every 20mins I will take 10mins to do other things. Like checking the food supply, is it heated, do they need topping up? Or like spend this time with Qistina tickle her make her laugh, which usually perks me up. Checking the deco. Is something falling off? Checking supply of doorgifts for adult and children is it enough? Do I need to ration? Excuse to go toilet. Or sent Qistina to toilet. Having exchanges with abg is good too if I'm ok it. If it adds pressure then don't.

Narcissism?

I think part of my depression would be my lack of social skills. I always thought I've got autism or something because I seem not normal when to do with social situations. But this post is going not going to be about that. Having to be an observer to a severe narcissus at work makes me reflect of my lack of social skills. Makes me wonder if I should change my ways when I start my new employment one day. Like having to open up and always be the first to start a conversation. Sharing and find out more. Of coz be more knowledgable in current affairs to know what to talk. To think of ways to break the anxiety, break the ice. Also makes me wonder what is it that makes him different from me that everyone seem to like him better. Like knowing other people's business, and offering them help, even though it is not your area of work. Like taking charge of things even though you are not supposed to take charge. Like making it super obvious to people higher that he found out a fault or a discovery and boost about it. The minus of things is that he tend to manipulate same ranking colleagues and have their actions in deep soup by the higher people. That is something I will not learn from him. Idiot fallen for it once, will not let it happen again. He did it again though, but I'm smarter not to be bothered by this kind of nasissus. Please let this new employment be soon. I can't stand it here.

Why so darn difficult for me time?

I'm sick of giving away my time and effort towards others. I have enough of trying to please others. I guese having to be more aware of my depression forces me to reflect. But I really have no choice. It is a cultural thing? Like once u are married you only devoted to do things for others and others only. Where's the taking care of me part? Where's the me time of happiness? Is that why most older malay women become fat and look forward to org kawins to go out and get dress during weekends. Omg I don wana b one of that! I need to redefine myself, do something I love. I tried to suggest to hubby to go night zumba classes on my own, but it's not gonna work out because I feel the responsibility of taking care of my dau. Again others.... When me?! I feel kinda stuck and angry. But what choice do I hv? I don go out. I don hv friends. I don do anything for leisure. Omg this all sounds so depressing. No wonder I hv depression. The only recent time I felt happy was the impulse decision to go to orchid garden on my birthday. I even loved the sweat in the heat! It's weird I know. It's exhilarating feeling. I wish I could do that again without caring for others for once. Why am I so worried about others? Partly it's because of how I'm being brought up as a child. I was a second mum to my little siblings. My parents argue alot and almost divorce. But my husband is also the.... Hmz how should I say this.. I donno but he has the way to talk out about something he don like to do. And I think being me. I always fall for it. Worst when it involves family function and we didn't go for it. Let's get back to the point. I wish some days are happy days like the orchid garden trip...

Me Time? Hardly...

I've always tried to make happy time a priority. I found that it's not so easy compared to before marriage. I've tried to schedule out all the possibility days to cook, fetch qis from school, house work... Blah blah... End up? No time for me time. I decided to make some types of me time. Like gym time and maybe sign up for zumba classes. It's quite impossible if I have a late and hectic work week. I would possibly mark out may calender how often I have the luxury to do so. I kinda hate this after marriage life day schedule. It leaves me tired, lonely and unhappy. No social life. Away from previous family. Sucks!

Long weekend blues...

Dreaded work after the long weekend holidays. Reminded me of how I hated here and how difficult it is to quit or transfer. Heard horror stories like how some almost of a successful transfer got declined just because of a fake review. Hoping and praying the same will not happen to me. I know how it feels to be souless like a zombie working, no feelings of happiness.  I've had that forever. Hopefully the time for change will come soon. Always will try to look forward and find what to look out for that makes me happy. For today. It's my time at the gym. And later this weekend it's couple weekend with my dear love.

Travel to be happy?

Just a nearby one night stay I jb
 Note to self, next time search under 4 star hotel, followed by review, and then followed by attractions. No not buffet dinner food. Don't make it tough for abg to drive and have parking problems and check in problems. Please.

What do others think about me?

I'm not being too self conscious or anything. I just wondered what good things others thinks about me. I recently received a note from a friend who has tendered her resignation. "...a silent worker..." There may be a thousand and one ways to interpret this but this come to show that I'm very shy and quiet, maybe, humble so I don't show off the good work, I have done. That's how others could easily take advantage of me. Either by pushing blame towards me, or pushing undesired work to me... Which is currently happenning!! That had me thinking, so what could I do? I can't change what's already in born in me. That's debatable. But this reminds of a good boss that I used to have. She would always try to mentioned my name or my good work during staff meetings. Even my bigger boss aka principal would also do the same. Boy does that felt good!

Caught in a bad time and bad place? Yup, felt that way. I hope my future work would be better. I definitely will work on one thing. That is to suck up to your boss. No, I mean... to let it be aware to ur boss the effort and good things you have done.

Heartbroken

There's nothing more heartbroken if your own friend says your competitor is better. I felt like crying. Hvn't you at least seen my good work? How can you just say "he is MORE proactive". You are comparing against his mentor. How dare you judge me!! OMG... All these years of hardship, this is what I get. Soo heartbroken.

Some say, I shut people out and lose friends easily. I admit I am choosy, but I am careful. I admit I am shy, but I am also sensitive. I admit I am quiet, but I am a thinker. You don't see me making impressions here and there, but I am aware, I am no boot-licker. You don't see me proactive, but I am a perfectionist. 

I am just waiting to get put of this he'll hole!

Boot-licker...

I always wondered what he has that makes others amused. Loud, matter of fact way of talking that made him sound knowledgable. But is he? Always critical and judgemental, always has the final say. Unsecure? Ends most conversations with humour and having them laugh their heads off, or some matter-of-fact research findings. Attention seeking? It's working I guese, everyone adores him. But on the hand, there are people who work with him, finds he is not at all fantastic. Yet he still gets away with what he hates doing and covers them
 up quietly. He gets support from boss and big boss. They would just laugh it out together. It's so different if the same where to happen to me. Why is he getting the special treatment?

After learning that he is a manupulative spoilt brat, I began to doubt him and distrust him. He pushes jobs that he dislikes  to me. He gets critical when found that he is not doing his part as a team. Not a team player? It would usually blow up into an argument. Following that, he would try to get back to me by finding my loopholes and bitching about it to everyone else. With everyday it goes worst. It had me thinking if it's worth it staying on? Will his disgust only be revealed if I quit, and he has to take over all the jobs he pushed away before.

Being here like forever gives me the advantage of being well networked. I found out from his old friends about his personality, his working style, his regression, and why he reacts that way. Not surprisingly, his old friends shared similar experiences I was having. It was the same manupulative brat, creating panic, and task avoidance. Who knew? Nobody else except me. Me, I'm the one being his scapegoat, he is the one reaping all the rewards!

As a mentor I felt that he was disrespectful, and rude. But what can I do if he is in their good books and forever getting back at me. Its stressful to be watched upon and blamed  upon all the time. I admit my direct boss is not very supportive even before he came into the picture. Many a times, I have to find my own way to getting help without her knowledge. I also know she and her somehow don't get along too. The other her has a good intention for special needs. Because we had the same passion, it's much easier
Her faults are also pushed to me. So you can guess what sort of a boss is she.

I have came to a desicion to quit because I see no purpose in serving in this school anymore. I'll move on to what and where it makes me more happier Insyallah.

BLEH...

I'm feeling bleh today... Not been going to the gym. Starting to eat alot and sleep alot, feeling extremely lazy. I hope it's just temporary. Really want a big break from all these stresses in life.

Social Outings

I would usually avoid social outings. This time with many of my hub's  friends including their family; wife and kids. But I braved up and went for it anyway. Wasn't like I was expected. Many times, all the men would gather together, leaving their wives and children to themselves. I was shocked!! I hated this anxiety stricken situation. What do I say? How do I start? Will they think I'm stuck up? Will they judge? Will they criticise? Will they create their own clicks and leave me out? All these thoughts running wildly, I was dumbfounded, I could not talk. I frozed up, like I always do. I would pretend to keep myself busy with Qistina, like a shield. But of course many times Qistina was w his dad and again the problem comes back. I felt that it was most obvious, when they came to our house. Or maybe its just me, being crazy sensitive. I felt left out, literally. I was lost, I don't know how or where to place myself. It was awkward. I wish I could just dissappear.

Thinking back, it's all about social skills, something self-learnt. Some people will be more natural then others. I could think back and learn. It's not just about preparing food prior the outing. It's about preparing social skills. Who's wife is whose? What they work as? How's their life experiences like? Should I create humour? I could prepare talking topics. I could memorise their names and children name. Getting people to like me is not important, it's how prepared are you in a social setting.

I proud of myself trying to move forward to fix this shyness problem. I should congratulate myself for the desicion to actually go for the outing itself. Time for a treat!!

Am I musically inclined?

I was starting to think that I need to find time for myself to myself. Only way for me to rethink and refresh my priorities. Doing this often helps me cope with depression and severe shyness issues. Due to my hectic married cum working cum childcare life, I normally have NO time for ME time. Strangely, I found being in the car can be quite therapeutic. I explored other ways for ME time in the car, with the car. I forced myself to sing along with the music played in the car. Just hearing my own voice helps me to overcome some shyness. I think. Somehow music helps with creating a happier mood to start off the day. Ironically it ends with music too, if I workout at the gym. Exercising at the gym is great! I really felt much happier after that. We will see how. Will u keep you updated

Felt like Shit!

I felt like Shit earlier. Having to force myself to go through so much social pressure makes me feel like Shit! Forced to face him to pretend that last week was not his fault. It's just my personal matter. I made that decision because I don want to go through another round of social pressure from the manager if he choose to fight this out. Of course I'm more cleverer than him. Then the next social pressure to see my boss re some urgent matter. Which was just the declaration for travel which she discourage me from going but she signed and approve me of going anyway. Then she gave some lecture of how she don't see me during recess. She pretend to know when I mentioned during recess block I have ICS. Must be that jackass always there seen around her during recess and not me. And then how she wants me to provide interventions even with pupils with no diagnosis. In my heart I was telling myself this isn't what I signed up for. I'm outta here for good. So I braved up and tell her about my intention to transfer due to some personal reason I made up. I figured no point telling them off their system sucks and no support might as well quit or move. And later on meet vp to tell her the same things. Argh!!! Effects my mood terribly! I felt guilty for using force on my boys for not being able to control his self talk. I was so flustered end of the day I forced myself to workout at gym. And boy it did felt good. No social pressure. Just loud music in feeling the beat in my heart.

I realised that I could talk better if I assume that there's no people behind me and they are busy therefore little attention given. I'm surprised I could be myself and share wisdom like I'm supposed to. Usually I'm super shy plus the anxiety and worried about other people are thinking about me, maybe criticising and being judgmental. I wish I don't need to care about what people think of me. But how do people who are care-less even do it. They make a fool and they don't feel anything?  Not a wee bit regret? I'm forever worried about that. Here's to poor social skills. Poor anxiety coping skills.

Feeling friend-less

 I thought I could share and confide to this person I trust. But I was wrong. She didn't even ask me why or what happen. She say okla no motivation quit lah. And ask when. I mean I know u are chair person and reaping rewards, but we used to be close friends isn't it? I always am wrong about her. I should know better. She ask why didn't I come tgt with him. She didn't probe further and said abis tak berbual. I mean I really needed someone to confide to. But obviously she's not keen. I feel friend-less. I feel like under the rock. I feel stuck. I hated this. I wish I had a better working environment. No one is on my side. This is work bullying.

I didn't know my social anxiety plus consciousness was so severe. To a point I feel like others are afraid to start a conversation with me. Sometimes I'm too worried about what I say will be weird or rude or unacceptable. I try to be myself but it seems to not work. This period of self realisation allows me to observe and quickly learn hows others do it. It's so f*ING natural to some people, i hated them!! Like how to quickly translate to malay, how to be super nice and assuring and how to turn rejection or negative comments to positive ones. Hmz... 'kuar sikit nah? Tak biasa mkn laksa. Tapi mak suka. Abah tak mkn sgt' Or like 'tak amek lagi Mee? Makan kuih makan kuih' Or like 'sikit nye amek Mee! Semua rumah datang ada makan' It's a learning for me but it's so easy for some....

am I Shy?

I noticed my photos looked ugly. I hated the way I look. I hated the way I smiled. I hated how my body looked. As if the camera hates me. As if the camera is my enemy. I wonder if this portrays the hardship I've been through this year. All the sadness, depression, and loneliness. I admit I forgot the meaning of being happy. I am still socially deprived. Sometimes I wish I am socially active. Sometimes I shut everyone out. Nobody understands this shyness I have. Wondered what's the cause. Is it how my parents brought me up? Or maybe it's marriage transition that's killing me slowly inside, psychologically. Supposed to be happily married. I am happy. But something else ain't balancing it out right. It's only work. I forgot what it feels like to be happy with life. Always wish I could turn back time. No idea how lonely it is. I guess it's all link; sadness, loneliness, shyness, and shutting people out. Dear me please let people in. Please allow some social care. Open up don't be too conscious. Don't be too rude either. Start with being happy first. Chiaoz.

Self Realisation

Today I created this book to acknowledge that I may hv depression caused from work stress. Typically I would hv sleepless nights worrying about work, how I'm not good enough, worthless and worst of all helpless. I always thought I've got a job that I love, time to settle down, and it would be the same anywhere. I was wrong. I kept giving myself chances again and again, to a point where I'm in too deep. I'm stuck. I suddenly realise this place is not for me and I must move on. I know  I use to love it, but this love will not come back like it used to. I am determined this time that it is time to move on no matter how much I hate changes. This depression is too much. I worry, I get overly anxious, I get too emotionally unsound. I even stray away from my faith. It was scary as if I don't care anymore. As if I wish I could dissappear from this earth. I give up, I won't speak up to defend myself, I hated myself, I hated my body. I hated that I cannot be assertive when I needed to especially when I know I'm not in the wrong. I gained weight. I gv up my motivation to change that. I hv no friends. I always stay away because I don like people to know me, I don't want to exist. On bad days im overly anxious about what others think of me, judging me, comparing me. Now is more prominent with new . It just kill me because he is loud and everybody seem to like him better then me. I don feel respected as someone more experience. I felt misplaced. Don belong. I hv no idea what I did wrong in my transfer. I hv no idea I had a d grade just for defending my rights. EP tried to help.me but it got him in trouble instead. I'm confused. I donno how to go on. It just taunts me Everytime I need to sleep. I will be up for hours worrying thinking helplessly. I need help.

Am I Shutting People Out?

I know it's been awhile since my last post. Well better late then never. It's Raya eve at work and I'm reflecting over this 4 years here. 9 years in service due to relocation. It's been lonely and depressing. I realized I have always shut people out once I don't trust them. I feel a little sad that I'm working under a rock' not socializing, good work goes unnoticed. I know it's time to move on. I wish its a little faster. I'm still bonded due to a course i just completed. I kept on thinking how in my future work I'm going to change things from the start. I'm going to force myself to socialize, to make an impression, in both the social as well as the work. I do not want this current work-style of doing great work unnoticed, and only my cluster mates knows what I'm doing. I kept on telling myself its the culture here that's different. It's like working in another country with different culture, where they may practice favoritism and very judgmental of your past. plus its not helping if you have a hypocritical boss. I have my fair share of bad bosses before. best to stay away from them because they are not my line of defense if something bad happens. they just want to cover their ass first. I have to be patient. just half a year and I'm outta here. No worries if I have no friends. or if others find me odd and unfriendly. I just want a more happier work life balance. I'm going to find my dream job one day. you'll see.