Random ramblings

It's strange that sleeping would make me feel bad about myself. Like I felt wasted. I have plan to gym later, end up sleeping and overshot the time. Poof super late! Cancelled my gym
gym Instead of sleeping I could have done better things like looking for my lost certificate or go library and do reading. Is this how u spend ur me time? Sleeping?  So disappointed in myself.

I wish I'm pregnant. I kept reminding myself Allah has it all planned out. That maybe now is not a good time. I'm kinda sick of this waiting game. What plan? Is it career? Am I suppose to do something?

When I feel down I really feel down. I'm just so bored of my life. My job is draining me dry. I hate it. I wish it's as easy as quiting and staying at home. But it's not that easy. I would regret in future if I do that. It's waiting is all I can do. Argh. Soon stressful!

People say Work to Live not Live to Work. No wonder it has been depressing. So dedicated for work but no perks. Forget it! Wasn't even entitled to the pay raise. Because of my grade. My grade is stagnant because my school don gv me opportunities to succeed. Even if I show I do. It's usually not recognised. I need to get out of here badly!

Happy mood?

It was so weird that yesterday was the first time I ever felt good about the day. I tried to make the same thing happen today but it didn't. Maybe it was the calm aura of waking up. No annoying alarm of his. No one tugging me to jolt me to wake. Not much bright lights. It's nice and quiet.  Helps Alot! I guese it's a good idea to find ways to start the day right so to be happier and less depress throughout the day.

It's also weirder that I kept thinking about old times, how I used to love what I do, now I hated them. I guess it's this freaking place that depressed me. All the confusion and misleading jobscope that I'm supposed to do. Where's all the passion gone to?

I used to loved playgroup w my special needs kids, listen to their quirkiness, feeling the love to help them succeed in school life. But what happen now? It's a drag thinking of playgroup here. Boring... Slow... Kids? Not as challenging. Coz they are doing well. Worst if others think that I'm not doing work.

That reminds me. I'm kinda worried how am I going to inform the interviewer about the malicious rumour my f might say just to detroy the transfership. How the heck am I supposed to do that without making me look bad myself. I might as well be rejected flat. But it's the damn truth how the hell am I going to go through this?

Value myself?

Feeling of self-worth? It's tougher here. I feel like the only way is to start new somewhere else. Am working on it. But in the meantime, I need to feel good about myself. How?

Suppose to think positive thoughts and make a list of things that makes me special and unique.

1- quiet gentle impactful
2- thinker observer

Kind of difficult to think if it's regarding work. So much easier to think if it's for family.

1- caring
2- put others first
3- good planner
4- organising
5- eye for details
6- sensitive
7- good with kids
8- gentle disciplinary
9- resourceful
10- good executive functioning
11- good in problem solving

Lists goes on.
Work just makes me feel meh... I really have lost interest. It's becoming more and more less challenging for me. I really want to move on. I'm just waiting. Hanging by the thread...

Push people away?

I know people say I tend to push people away or shut people out. But I hv no idea how I do it. Yesterday's major social session. Aka my dau's birthday session, help me realise exactly how. Before this I have practice empty talks and starting conversations to help break the ice of guessowhom I never met before.which I did. And a good improvement in my social anxiety and shyness Alhamdulillah. Like one youtuber used to say I have to practice being comfortable in uncomfortable situations. But somehow at the end of the session where I've been reminding myself it's closing time. It's all over soon, more guest came! I was abit overwhelmed and I turn to an auto shutdown mood. That's where I think I start to be abit cold towards others shut them out and pushing them.away. I purposely choose to be alone, pretending to pack the desserts, some guest came to me, most probably wanting to take some desserts. I think I made afoul face, I was quiet and houling space. Mistake. Some guests tried to make empty conversations with me asking about nearby props I made and how their son loves minion. I reply with just an acknowledgement. I mean come on Yati, here's your chance you know you are good at it. You can make them laugh. Entertain them. I also wasn't very attentive about what's going around me
 I think I know some hats where missing g but I was afraid to retrieve it back nicely. It takes higher level social skills but I donno. Other guests are looking.

There's also another situation where I tried convincing guest to stay as we are curling cake soon. Then after that I was numbed. I dono.what to do next. In my mind I was thinking what are still doing here. Go la. But I could hv ask then to take position behind cake table. Or even ask them choose props. Mum could help too right. What's wrong w me.

In a way it's good that I've came to a stage of my social anxiety cum shyness problem to actually act upon it. More like being an observer and reflect upon my mistakes. What I did good and how to do better. I'm proud to say. Well done of myself. There are goods and bad points but I have to say I improve alot from the last major social thingy also her birthday.

Perhaps next time, I could try to have an eagle's eye perspective on having to pay attention to everything. Having to walk around, here there, everywhere, and not just localise myself at the cake deco doorgifts station. Where's all the children? Are they having fun? The mums and dads can help out too. Do the guests have enough seats? If they have to relocate after eating to make way for other guests, do I apologise for the inconvenience? Is the space for eating clean and appropriate for them? Welcoming new guests? Going off guests, did I entertain them? Do I apologise for being busy and not able to entertain them? Minta maaf kalo tak terlayan, maklumlah, sibuk sikit. Have I say tank you and give them token of appreciation as doorgifts. Also for children as well. Who is suppose to do that? Me Abang or Mak? Do I need to ask Mak if it's ok to give, because she controls the number? Do I need to assure her that it's enough? Cut cake session, how do I announce to start?


It's alot on taking care of people hearts. Making sure they don't feel sad or angry or scared or any other negative feelings. Alot like sims2 game. It's like a catching up game.

Also how do I take time for myself, like having healthy short shutdown periods to rest from my social anxiety and shyness. Perhaps setting time every 20mins I will take 10mins to do other things. Like checking the food supply, is it heated, do they need topping up? Or like spend this time with Qistina tickle her make her laugh, which usually perks me up. Checking the deco. Is something falling off? Checking supply of doorgifts for adult and children is it enough? Do I need to ration? Excuse to go toilet. Or sent Qistina to toilet. Having exchanges with abg is good too if I'm ok it. If it adds pressure then don't.

Narcissism?

I think part of my depression would be my lack of social skills. I always thought I've got autism or something because I seem not normal when to do with social situations. But this post is going not going to be about that. Having to be an observer to a severe narcissus at work makes me reflect of my lack of social skills. Makes me wonder if I should change my ways when I start my new employment one day. Like having to open up and always be the first to start a conversation. Sharing and find out more. Of coz be more knowledgable in current affairs to know what to talk. To think of ways to break the anxiety, break the ice. Also makes me wonder what is it that makes him different from me that everyone seem to like him better. Like knowing other people's business, and offering them help, even though it is not your area of work. Like taking charge of things even though you are not supposed to take charge. Like making it super obvious to people higher that he found out a fault or a discovery and boost about it. The minus of things is that he tend to manipulate same ranking colleagues and have their actions in deep soup by the higher people. That is something I will not learn from him. Idiot fallen for it once, will not let it happen again. He did it again though, but I'm smarter not to be bothered by this kind of nasissus. Please let this new employment be soon. I can't stand it here.

Why so darn difficult for me time?

I'm sick of giving away my time and effort towards others. I have enough of trying to please others. I guese having to be more aware of my depression forces me to reflect. But I really have no choice. It is a cultural thing? Like once u are married you only devoted to do things for others and others only. Where's the taking care of me part? Where's the me time of happiness? Is that why most older malay women become fat and look forward to org kawins to go out and get dress during weekends. Omg I don wana b one of that! I need to redefine myself, do something I love. I tried to suggest to hubby to go night zumba classes on my own, but it's not gonna work out because I feel the responsibility of taking care of my dau. Again others.... When me?! I feel kinda stuck and angry. But what choice do I hv? I don go out. I don hv friends. I don do anything for leisure. Omg this all sounds so depressing. No wonder I hv depression. The only recent time I felt happy was the impulse decision to go to orchid garden on my birthday. I even loved the sweat in the heat! It's weird I know. It's exhilarating feeling. I wish I could do that again without caring for others for once. Why am I so worried about others? Partly it's because of how I'm being brought up as a child. I was a second mum to my little siblings. My parents argue alot and almost divorce. But my husband is also the.... Hmz how should I say this.. I donno but he has the way to talk out about something he don like to do. And I think being me. I always fall for it. Worst when it involves family function and we didn't go for it. Let's get back to the point. I wish some days are happy days like the orchid garden trip...

Me Time? Hardly...

I've always tried to make happy time a priority. I found that it's not so easy compared to before marriage. I've tried to schedule out all the possibility days to cook, fetch qis from school, house work... Blah blah... End up? No time for me time. I decided to make some types of me time. Like gym time and maybe sign up for zumba classes. It's quite impossible if I have a late and hectic work week. I would possibly mark out may calender how often I have the luxury to do so. I kinda hate this after marriage life day schedule. It leaves me tired, lonely and unhappy. No social life. Away from previous family. Sucks!

Long weekend blues...

Dreaded work after the long weekend holidays. Reminded me of how I hated here and how difficult it is to quit or transfer. Heard horror stories like how some almost of a successful transfer got declined just because of a fake review. Hoping and praying the same will not happen to me. I know how it feels to be souless like a zombie working, no feelings of happiness.  I've had that forever. Hopefully the time for change will come soon. Always will try to look forward and find what to look out for that makes me happy. For today. It's my time at the gym. And later this weekend it's couple weekend with my dear love.

Travel to be happy?

Just a nearby one night stay I jb
 Note to self, next time search under 4 star hotel, followed by review, and then followed by attractions. No not buffet dinner food. Don't make it tough for abg to drive and have parking problems and check in problems. Please.

What do others think about me?

I'm not being too self conscious or anything. I just wondered what good things others thinks about me. I recently received a note from a friend who has tendered her resignation. "...a silent worker..." There may be a thousand and one ways to interpret this but this come to show that I'm very shy and quiet, maybe, humble so I don't show off the good work, I have done. That's how others could easily take advantage of me. Either by pushing blame towards me, or pushing undesired work to me... Which is currently happenning!! That had me thinking, so what could I do? I can't change what's already in born in me. That's debatable. But this reminds of a good boss that I used to have. She would always try to mentioned my name or my good work during staff meetings. Even my bigger boss aka principal would also do the same. Boy does that felt good!

Caught in a bad time and bad place? Yup, felt that way. I hope my future work would be better. I definitely will work on one thing. That is to suck up to your boss. No, I mean... to let it be aware to ur boss the effort and good things you have done.

Heartbroken

There's nothing more heartbroken if your own friend says your competitor is better. I felt like crying. Hvn't you at least seen my good work? How can you just say "he is MORE proactive". You are comparing against his mentor. How dare you judge me!! OMG... All these years of hardship, this is what I get. Soo heartbroken.

Some say, I shut people out and lose friends easily. I admit I am choosy, but I am careful. I admit I am shy, but I am also sensitive. I admit I am quiet, but I am a thinker. You don't see me making impressions here and there, but I am aware, I am no boot-licker. You don't see me proactive, but I am a perfectionist. 

I am just waiting to get put of this he'll hole!

Boot-licker...

I always wondered what he has that makes others amused. Loud, matter of fact way of talking that made him sound knowledgable. But is he? Always critical and judgemental, always has the final say. Unsecure? Ends most conversations with humour and having them laugh their heads off, or some matter-of-fact research findings. Attention seeking? It's working I guese, everyone adores him. But on the hand, there are people who work with him, finds he is not at all fantastic. Yet he still gets away with what he hates doing and covers them
 up quietly. He gets support from boss and big boss. They would just laugh it out together. It's so different if the same where to happen to me. Why is he getting the special treatment?

After learning that he is a manupulative spoilt brat, I began to doubt him and distrust him. He pushes jobs that he dislikes  to me. He gets critical when found that he is not doing his part as a team. Not a team player? It would usually blow up into an argument. Following that, he would try to get back to me by finding my loopholes and bitching about it to everyone else. With everyday it goes worst. It had me thinking if it's worth it staying on? Will his disgust only be revealed if I quit, and he has to take over all the jobs he pushed away before.

Being here like forever gives me the advantage of being well networked. I found out from his old friends about his personality, his working style, his regression, and why he reacts that way. Not surprisingly, his old friends shared similar experiences I was having. It was the same manupulative brat, creating panic, and task avoidance. Who knew? Nobody else except me. Me, I'm the one being his scapegoat, he is the one reaping all the rewards!

As a mentor I felt that he was disrespectful, and rude. But what can I do if he is in their good books and forever getting back at me. Its stressful to be watched upon and blamed  upon all the time. I admit my direct boss is not very supportive even before he came into the picture. Many a times, I have to find my own way to getting help without her knowledge. I also know she and her somehow don't get along too. The other her has a good intention for special needs. Because we had the same passion, it's much easier
Her faults are also pushed to me. So you can guess what sort of a boss is she.

I have came to a desicion to quit because I see no purpose in serving in this school anymore. I'll move on to what and where it makes me more happier Insyallah.

BLEH...

I'm feeling bleh today... Not been going to the gym. Starting to eat alot and sleep alot, feeling extremely lazy. I hope it's just temporary. Really want a big break from all these stresses in life.

Social Outings

I would usually avoid social outings. This time with many of my hub's  friends including their family; wife and kids. But I braved up and went for it anyway. Wasn't like I was expected. Many times, all the men would gather together, leaving their wives and children to themselves. I was shocked!! I hated this anxiety stricken situation. What do I say? How do I start? Will they think I'm stuck up? Will they judge? Will they criticise? Will they create their own clicks and leave me out? All these thoughts running wildly, I was dumbfounded, I could not talk. I frozed up, like I always do. I would pretend to keep myself busy with Qistina, like a shield. But of course many times Qistina was w his dad and again the problem comes back. I felt that it was most obvious, when they came to our house. Or maybe its just me, being crazy sensitive. I felt left out, literally. I was lost, I don't know how or where to place myself. It was awkward. I wish I could just dissappear.

Thinking back, it's all about social skills, something self-learnt. Some people will be more natural then others. I could think back and learn. It's not just about preparing food prior the outing. It's about preparing social skills. Who's wife is whose? What they work as? How's their life experiences like? Should I create humour? I could prepare talking topics. I could memorise their names and children name. Getting people to like me is not important, it's how prepared are you in a social setting.

I proud of myself trying to move forward to fix this shyness problem. I should congratulate myself for the desicion to actually go for the outing itself. Time for a treat!!