If i hv to think about what have i learnt and turn things positive are... How it made me more observant to toxic colleagues. How it made me more resilient. How it made me a caring nurturing mentor. How its going to make me more humble and friendly in the future. Resilient, observant, humble is the new me. Insyallah

I have to remember that i can think that im the victim. This has always clouded my mind into so much negativity.

“True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for the experience.'” Oprah Winfrey“True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for the experience.'” Oprah Winfrey.

If i were to say thank you....
I would say thank you for the (generous) time  and (DISE, SDR) skills gained, as it has made me think about future planning. Thank you for the many challenges as it has increased my resilience (and tolerance). Thank you for life changing experience, as it has made me wiser and a better decision maker. Thank for helping me realise to be more humble and friendlier towards others. Thank you for the (hard approach) role changing from SN to LB. (take up cases not special needs) Thank you for helping me realise your wise expectations. (to appreciations)

Ive realised only now that ive turn quite cold and negative on my conversations with others. Its weird that most conversations ends up with j or j. I dont like to think to talk about them. But when i do i try hard to defend myself and talk negatively about someone or the sch. I guess this few months of waiting is damaging me slowly killing me. I need to face up. I need to find a new purpose in serving my countdown so i wont feel so hard up and be a changed new better me before i start there. Ive always had lunches alone. Im nervous about who i eat with. I wish to be more humble. To be more positive and enthusiastic about what i learnt or others learnt from the past no matter how painful or difficult. I need to do some rethinking about my happiness.

Why am i feeling conscious with this new ls? Ive heard horror stories about them clashing with lb. But not all are like that right? Ive heard nice ones like mrs sm and my old ls frm bg. Anyway she may be loud and intimidating but she seemed helpful and reassuring. She did advise me how to tell sl about my pg. So i shouldn't like this right? I feel like i cannot click w her. And somemore ill be sitting next to her. Is this safe? Is there something i can do to start on the right track? To build bond and be careful about things? I mean even if i try to find out from my contacts just to make me feel safe about her. She can do the same to me. If its frm mt then its not going to be good. I know. This is my rule w her. Not to tell on her anything bad about mt  in fact i shouldn't say it to anyone. They might ask what challenges i faced there and why transfer. I can say general things like used to work at neighborhood school and prefer that culture compared to sap sch. Done. Keep it short simple. Just like an interview. Do  say about that ass and anything about p and all. Promise me. Just like an interview.  Remember that.

I cannot take it. How do people come to the impression that i work alone. And that he seem more busy than me? Those questions are quite subjective. Like being in this line has always been working alone what. Also about him being more busy? Doesn't mean that his table is messy he is busy. Or he not seen at table he is busy. He always eating in canteen. Also ive handover most task coz im leaving. What the &$#@%€¥? Felt so hurt sey

I dont know why im feeling like this. Abit saddened that im not grouped in one of the popular tables. Although i wont be able to come anyway. But it saddens me think that im like an outcast after so many wasted years here. What am i thinking still wanting to do part time sdr here. I dont owe the sch anything. in fact the school was nothing but depressing for me. No sense of direction and purpose. Alot of times i wondered if its even my fault the management is like this. Kenneth brings alot of memories. Even though he is strong willed. He alao got similar fate as me. Is it really the management, control issues? I feel regret. But i manged to do 5 years out of it. I learn something but it damages me of some sort. I donno how can i bounce back like i used to at bgps. I mean im already after 30. Age is catching up. I know i have strengths. I also know being here dampen my strength. And things becomes expectations rather then appreciation. I know i have to prepare myself on what comes ahead. Like it or not i nees to be prepared taking up what i may not like. Things not exactly wihin my jobscope.

I always question the working culture here.  Is special needs really a chore or considered extra work? Shouldn't we empathise with this kids and meet thier needs? I feel like my near attempt heartattack, to rush things out just to accommodate to sn needs is not worth it. Not appreciated. I even had to skip my meal. Not even a thank you? Isn't it your fault that you overlooked the matter? Im sort of covering up for your shit tau. Nu tak paham. I mean yg nu buat extra dikatakan negatif? Like im supposed to do it but didn't do it so troublesome? Ape yg nu buat ni considered extra tau. Terok ke culture kat sini?

Whats going on around here. Small matters are scaled to proportions?! And i thought this problem has been solved! What is this revenge? My intentions are clear hving to support dyslexia needs during non core subjects but not during her talent non core subjects. I needed 1 hr. And nope im not going to do remedial! Whats wrong with this people always going to higher up to resolve problems instead of going staight to the person itself?? Anyway my stay is only left with 6 months. After that its handover to another person, which is a other matter all together. I know i shouldn't let this small matter effect me coz its really small matter and its temporary something that will become the past. I do wan focus on my new school. But i cant help but think this sch operates on power rather than needs. Does that makes sense. So going to higher upper to hv them hv the final say. And these higher upper also they hv no idea how to listen to needs and gv appropriate suggestions. So over here people survive by backstabbing and making use of others. Power struggle thats the word. Not very fair. No wonder i feel i cannot get far no matter how hard i try. Feel like im in the wrong place wasted my years here. More to building my own portfolio coz there don care about me. Idiot i hate this place to the core what do they hv against me. Biaseness? Maybe im muslim malay tudung working in sap chinese Buddhist school. Idiot

Its been awhile since i last blogged. I guese ive been too preoccupied about being pregnant. Alhamdulillah. Long story short, its unplanned unexpected and came as a surprise to me because i was going through alot of stress during this handover period before my new posting. Yup things are killing me softly, im pretty anti social and hv trust issues as i felt he spread aome nasty things about me, and trying to prove that he is always better off then me. What happen to all that bullshit he promised. Don worry i help you when its about people skills. I shared w him all of the school's faults and stuff. End up u stab me at the back and used them as ur advantage. Going to big bossess everytime theres a small problem. Making small things mattered so big and the next update was like aolved to easily. Always covering up ur words to appear that u got the upper hand. Bullshit. This is the silent treatment u get from me. Coz i know thats ur weakness. Im not going to handhold u and guide u through this transition. U are going to go learnthe ropes by urselfs. Dont count on me on saving ur ass coz u take all credit anyways. After ive pushed u all my task. Im bidding u farewell and good luck. And wait for karma to hit itself. And waiting for the day where u quit. Coz i kind know what kind of person u are. Always taking advantage of others. I know coz im not the only victim. My mentee. Teachers. Its all slowly spreading without me saying anything. Its all ur actions.

Anyway my purpose of writting this is not to vent. I just feeling a little depressed and looking for some happiness . I know it doesn't help to be stress while pregnant. I also needed to lose weight and eat better. I will start with changing my routine to more solat for movements. And sandwich concepts for dinner. Packing healthy breakfast. And an exception of heavier meals for lunch. Fingers crossed hope this works  today is day 2