Why am i feeling so guilty for. Am i being picky that i can do 3 full days of p5 camp. I do hv family reasons to attend to. Y do i feel like everyone is arrowing me. I know i can either react or respond. But i think its just his way to talk himself out and show the better out of him. Thats the last thing i wana do, now that im leaving soon. Whats going on? I could find out if i want to. But nobody is by my side. The safest is go with wants arranged with the superior boss. Nobody can deny that right? But did he just did it if i keep quiet?

I moved because im looking for a place who values good work and gives recognition for hard work. Im looking for a place who accepts and understands special needs. And accepts who they instead of drilling them academically.

To he honest it was hard at first. Because i was young and driven im determined to push for a more special needs friendly environment. They hated it when i prosed ideas from my former and convince them it works. They keep on saying its different here and there so should not talk about it. The place was not ready for special needs because of its reputation and popularity in the area. I thought special needs was universal. So i fought for it. Instead it cost me a bad raking and silently unaware that i was degraded for 3 years although my ratings for appraisal was all high. Depressed lost and desperate, umpteenth times i tried to get out. But couldn't. I even had a wrath experience with two mentees that turned against each other, and turned nasty. When one left, the other stabbed me at the back. It was hard. Because all ny pillars of strengh were leaving. But when things got even harder. I successfully got transfer. Tricky complicated but at least im out! Time to start fresh and be happy simply.

It was quite a rough depressing emotional rollercoaster last few days. I was trying hard to find some recognition. I wondered if i don't deserve it. But after that meeting w my ro and my nemesis. Its obvious that he's desperate. I was relieved when she asked for our last year's appraisal report. When i said that its possible to print even though done online. It shut him up. Haizz... idk what was he up to? This is my chance. Because i know i did well in my appraisal. So today when i printed and read my previous ro's comments as well as my high far exceeding ratings. I was assured my recognition at last! Alhamdulillah shukur allah taalah for showing me. For assuring me that i did well in my time here. I dont need to boast about it. I dont need to prove myself harder nor compete with his arguments around other people to show off. Whats in my appraisal shows it all. And im proud to say that this school will be missing a very good lbs. Haiz.... thank u allah for showing me this signs. Im grateful.

I need to calm down. Now. Stop judging urself. It all doesn't mean anything. What does she mean based on parent feedback. I don remember hving bad feedback from parents. I know my relationship with parent is all good right? Why must she see both of us and talk about cases. We hv already done that during tracking what. Why i feel that he communicates more to her then me. Why i feel like im something is going to stab me from the back. Why am i so afraid. I hate this waiting. I hate that i cant mentor. Am i supposed to? Or not? Will it be a bad thing if he didn't turn how he is supposed to be. Or maybe they haven't seen his worst yet. The vp have im sure. But my pillar of strength is no longer here. Who is is helping me feel safe? I feel very vulnerable.

Shes more like who does better, who does more. But other is more like she's more experience, you should learn from her. I think its more like he graduate, so definitely better. Im kinda sick of all this crap. Maybe im still hoping for that recognition. Which i know for sure i will never get. So why hope? Like the quote "Just do what you are told. Don't beat urself up. Its not worth it." Should just do that. Its just January. Ur focus should be handover. Actually you should be doing much less. So u can train him. But the fact is. He not training material. Maybe i shouldn't tell her about my concern. She don't understand why anyway.  But i think i can just tell her that. P wants me to use this time to train and guide him and new one. I could emphasize handover. Anything to do w it. So that everyone clear that im leaving. I don't need to compete anymore. Im done here. Im still on top. Im leaving. Im handing over whether u like it or not.

I had such an enlightening dream last night. How nice if it were true. When i first woke up i thought it was friday. I knew something was good, then i realises it was the dream i had. I dream of my future sch. And vp was in it. Ohh she was so nice. Weird that earlier the vp in my current sch talk to my sn boy and talk to me about what what they talked. Is allah trying to show me something? Is it the unmotivated demeanour im hving last few days? Its true its been such a drag. I feel really unbelonged. I think i forced it upon myself not to socialize. Its like im punishing this school that i have suffered so much damage from. But actually im punishing myself. I got to stop all this. Cannot wait for something nice to happen. I have to look for it. I deserve to be happy here. I should build bridges not burn them. Who knows theres people who wants to ship over. Its all about making connections. But i hate it when i have to answer why im transferring. It could have been better here but im not happy. I couldn't say that of course. Of course they don understand the make-up behind it. I wish i had someone else to share this pain and make things easier for me to transit happily or sadly whichever makes sense.

you don't talk ah?

Just reflected about the time i was interviewed for new school. Why is it he has the impression that i dont talk. That i work behind stacks of papers. Just because i said administrative processes and systems. What does he wants of me? To be more extrovert? Which reminds me about an article. Extroverted bosses wants their introverted employees to be more extroverted, and introverted bosses wants thier extroverted employees to be introverted. It's because we are living in a world of mostly extroverts and its not a norm to be different, to be introverted. Then the articles stressed on strengths that introverts has like good listener, thinker, thus better planner and problem solver. Most of the time these introverts always supports the poor qualities of extrovertedness. Which can be perceived as bullying or taken advantage of. Hmzz... good read and reflection.

Yesterday was history. I need to stop. I need to stop setting expectations of myself. U are leaving for goodness sake. Stop trying to set urself better then him. No matter what you do you are not needed here. Feedback will all be negative. So stop trying to convince otherwise. You are not his mentor. He is his own mentor. You are not his boss. He is his own boss. You dont hv credentials. He has all the credentials. So where does that leave u? Beating urself up and setting new expectations of urself wont help. Its not worth it. He is not worth it. This school is not worth it. Just do what you are told. No need to be so proactive. Don't even try. Remember to do transition.  How to? With him being his own boss. He is just pushing things around. I should be doing the minimum. He should learn from me. But felt that he is pushing delaying not serious. End up i know im going to get bad feedback anyway. Its not just him i can convince. Its my direct ro? But she's biased herself. So who does that leave me? Her? Can try. But im not her responsibility.

Over ambitious, over proactive? Suggest too many, may not be able to deliver. Poor planning. Perceived by others as someone who so busy as he has so much on his plate. And too much burden on own's shoulders. Person who seem to bite on more then he can chew. Usually would choke and be very depressed. Which happen before. Got the attention of others. And became popular! What?! Actually the problems he raised, i could easily suggest answers to solve them. But he is asking for the worst! Let him be la. Hope he learns his lesson. Which i don think he gets it.

Today i i don't seem to have the mood to talk or meet anyone. Already i know i finish late for meetings today. And he is already on top of it. Asking me what i want to raise when he already listed all the things thats supposed to raised. I feel very much inferior in my own school. Everywhere i turn i see people judging me comparing me w how much better he must be. It makes me feel negative and forced me to look at areas im not good at or things i hvnt done. It sucks to always feel like this. I know i have no place here. I just want to dissappear. But i feel i always hv eyes watching me. Eyes judging me.

Im trying my best to be positive. I know. Mahbe prepping for my sdr next week should ease my negativity. Hopefully. To hell if he want to score brownie points for meeting later. I don care. I hope not to let this effect me. He should lead right he's taking over anyway.  I feel that im always winning. Becoz im out. U hv to deal with all this crap. That leaves me worried because i deserve some recognition at least. But i feel i had none. Positive... try to be positive. Think of sdr. Think of engagement matters.

sweet retribution

Sweet retribution.  I would use this word to describe today. Karma too. Also some other words, gossip, and caring award? Bleh... Its nice to see someone so popular and well loved by staff be put down of his recklessness by the superiors. Like finally! He is not all perfect like what everybody thinks ok. I'd like to say 'right back at ya!' Haha. Also a nice exit for me. Just counting down. Slowly but surely. Alhamdulillah.