Unfriendly Unapproachable

This is to remind me how my unfriendly and unapproachable nature deters people from socializing with me. What more to give a good feedback about me if being asked by the higher ups. I know i dont share what i do with people so i can only on what other people see. There's honestly too little to see esp if my work is usually in the classroom itself rather then in the staffroom. Im not to market myself to have others know what i do. I just cant be bothered to do that kind of thing. I know i need to step up and changeno matter how uncomfortable that makes me. I know nk does market himself from the way he talks very well! Some feedback i think people might say about me. Ohh she very quiet, oh she doesn't share strategies, what does she do anyway i dont really know her job scope, she always kept to herself one. I hate that. I know right now i barely care because of my 9 months pregnancy. But i hope to list or prep myself for the time ill be back! 8 months is a long time but i hope it helps brace myself up.
1. Empty talk to strangers
2. Ask to know more about them
3. Share every after ics and social skills class
4. Share closest counterparts that will gv feedback about u to the higher up.

For some reason, im afraid to talk to some people who are more prettier. I find it intimidating. Its different when they break the ice first. I find it so much easier to ignore or pretend nothing is happening. Is this what they call sombong? I know initially i told myself to try to be friendly to all since everyone is new and starts with a clean slate.  But since im back i find that hard. Maybe the perception that everyone has thier own clicks? Or just me being too self conscious. I know im going off again. But when i come back i hope i will be able to change my ways to be more approachable and frindly. Hopefully

I just need to let this out. Although I am happy here, I feel like something is not making me feel happy. Is it my sensitive always self conscious. Whenever I watch nk being so friendly with the kids and staff, it makes me feel a little worried that Im not doing well enough. I was chosen for a reason but i feel like i hvnt make a mark for it yet. I kept telling myself its because I was late by 6 months so im sure others would understand. but that's not an excuse, I feel like im missing so much bond with the kids or the teachers, it makes me feel so worried. I also kept telling myself, right now I should be more worried about my upcoming arrival of my newborn in 2 and a half months time, also something others would understand. and that I can always restart later. again another lapse of missing so much catch up time with the kids, whats more if i do take extention leave, its going to be another year and same thing restarting in mid year. although bn did mention im doing a good job, i donno in what sense, maybe he just saying when i did mention my challenge with wyn and astn. sometimes it makes me feel afraid to be approach someone and be friendly. I always hold back and sometimes miss the chance, I had great ideas, but i didnt voice out. i donno how to be more confidence and step up. maybe thats why. all these years in mt had me down, low self esteem, low self confidence, eventhough i know i can and im good. I just need to feel successful about something at work then i will feel confidence, or good. mayb i start thinking about my room first. yea. that might help.

Depressly shy

Feeling so stupid right now. I wish i had more thinking time to process my speech rather then just go and end it. It happen again. Twice! I just take time to open up to people. But with this situation im so worried about what people think of me and now its just. Haiz... after talking to abg and saw the real truth i felt even worst. I felt so stupid. This was my one chance and i ruined it. I told myself i can talk and get excited talking about what i love. But it was wrong time wrong place too sudden too abrupt. How do i turn it around? I do not want them to remember me this way. Ive got so many questions. Does he has high expectations of me? Did he regret choosing me? Did I fail him by being pregnant and off from work again at this such leftover time of 4 months. Is that why he kept on attacking me. It's effecting me so badly. As if im no good in anything. Im so lost and troubled right now. I don't know how to turn it around. I wish there's somebody who can assure me that its ok. Im scared i screw up again. Will they forget about  what happen?

After talking it out, i realised something worrying. There were many encounters with him. And it started out at the wrong step  and now he is just attacking me and making me feel this way every time. i think its the 3rd encounter this time. The first was when he blamed it on me for not informing after being rejected getting me to start in jan instead of jun right after a harsh convo with my ex p. I felt so wrong of myself but later found out that its his fault and manage to not take it too personally. Second was when i inform about my pregnancy when during intvw he ask if im planning for 2nd i said no. 3rd was when he introduce me to staff and later cut me off and imply that im going off again so soon because or maternity leave. I was so embarrassed. 4th was when he ask new comers about how was our few days during contact time but when it comes to me he ask me more excessively about whether i used my skills. Of course i answeres general as there were everybody there like say its good and i learnt alot. Then he ask me to name name of pupils. I got shock and i ans not supposed to mentioned names. He said its ok. Cut me off and endded the meeting.

I have enough of him attacking me. Its him now i need to study. But i don contact with him so much. I also don want to be in his bad books. I don blame him for being angry at me. But those situations i hv no control over things. I cant control my ex p cant release me early. I cant control being pregnant. Is he going to continue attacking me again? Does it make him feel good? I don see him attacking other staff like he do me. But i do see some people got uncomfortable when being asked questions and not rebutting it.

Honestly im abit lost on how am i supposed to do my work. As if everything is done up for me already. And they are expecting of me things that are way off because things seem to be more milder and ok now? Im getting a lot of mixed opinions and im not sure who or wat to focus on right now.

I was reading this article about meticulous bosses. "These meticulous and strict bosses are not to be confused with the micro-manager. The meticulous boss will be on top of everything and always know what everyone is working on at any given time. This type of boss can be effective and productive. The strict boss will work you hard but lets you get on with it. The micro-manager, however, will actually get in the way of you doing a good job, which in turn can create resentment, damage trust and lead to the employees feeling frustrated.

Read more: http://aimtobe.co.uk/professional/how-to-manage-a-micro-manager/#ixzz4CmrherH9 "

I guess its ok if he's not micro managing. I still hope that being meticulous doesn't get in the way of my work. But it may dampen creativity and innovation. Hmz. 

"Awareness

Try to perceive the behaviours as good intentions taken to the extreme. Their interpretation of positive characteristics such as diligence, reliability and commitment is rather radical. However, the important factor remains that they possess these. Remind yourself that the constant checking is no reflection of your work and is not personal; it is about your manager and their management style. Avoid the temptation to become defensive or resentful. Focus on how to deal with the situation rather than dwell on how you wish things were different.

Read more: http://aimtobe.co.uk/professional/how-to-manage-a-micro-manager/#ixzz4CmtVdjwh "

Also on P.A.I.N.S as in A in awareness that its not personal and just take it like its more of his working style or personality. I mean he did day if after a year then when things more familiar then no need do such reports. Hmz.

First day today, I'm trying to learn about people, and this time, I'm find hard to read my own boss. Maybe its his approach about how meticulous he can be. He expects me to sent him a documentation on when I come in to do observations? I did reason that I've already inform teachers beforehand and they are okay. He said Ms Thia asked him, how come I'm in the classroom. He said he replied he didn't know. Erm, he has supervised someone with my Job spec isnt it? It's pretty basic to know that I want to observe to familiar myself with the kids. Maybe it's just him, insecurity. He did say alot about covering me if something goes wrong. But from what I noticed, the teachers seemed ok. As they they want help. But he is trying to tell me to step back and update him about everything. Honestly, throgh my experience with many bosses, I usually do my job on my own. If If i have to check with him about every single thing then, its difficult to move on forward I find. Abit weird that he randomly commented that I'm on the ball. when teacher asked me about the observation. On another note, I find that teachers are very keen for me to speak more, to be more open, but looks like I give very brief feedback about what I have observed. Maybe I should run my thoughts first before talking to them. I think they definately deserve more help. Else, why am I observing right?

Yup its been sometime since i last blogged. This time its about i was finallyone step ahead and out of that hidous hatred place. Although abit overwhelmed with the work and cases. Im actually abit concern about social about making friends honestly i felt like i was to myself and not ready to open up or share. Like how everybody seem to be. Maybe i should start with friendly conversations first before i jump into work conversations. I also donno how to not be so awkward silent around people. Like looking down and waiting around. I just don know or maybe forget how to be more socialable. I know i don want conversations to be all about work. I do want friends as well. But it also depends on how i first approach others too. Whether to be start with being friendly or straight away jump into work conversations. Must keep that in mind.

Im not sure whats happening but i feel like small things got big why? Whats the big fuss about this small matter. I feel like he is oit to get me just becaise he is auper streas. I feel good that he going throigh all that after all that backstabbing he pit me through. Serves him roght. I may not stand up to figjt back but i sure hv other meana of revenge. So he spoke to my boss. My new crappy boss tat obviously is streaa heraelf and going throuvh depreasion. Who now trying to vent it on me. I deaerve to be happy on this day. I wont let thia effect me. Im just goong to ignore this or jus let it in and out my ears witjout effecting me. Haiz. Life. How interesting it goies around. For me im good coz its just a mattwr of days and ill be out of this horrific place that owes me nothingor vice versa.

Why does he say that?! He said im too over when w bhd. He ask me why im like go all out when its my family compared to his. Tried to reason this rational that im always lonely w his in laws. Whereas my own family ive got my siss n my mum. We are mostly girls here. He said its unfair that he us going all out with my family. Hes got hm and can still talk n joke ard my two sis. Its obviously more livelier here. Over there i can talk to his brother. He doesn't seem like it. Coz everytime it happens we argue. Somemore he can say got his mum? Just one. Versus there when he's over here. He also imply that i leave q out when theres bhd. I always get him close to q wat. She w me wat. Im so hurt when he implys all this. Its not fair.  No point sulking over this too. Coz i wan him to be honest. Just disappointed he thinks nu lebihkan my own family. When all this time mostly its about his family tapi nu ikut jer no complains. Ni satu jer a dah judge mcm2

If i hv to think about what have i learnt and turn things positive are... How it made me more observant to toxic colleagues. How it made me more resilient. How it made me a caring nurturing mentor. How its going to make me more humble and friendly in the future. Resilient, observant, humble is the new me. Insyallah

I have to remember that i can think that im the victim. This has always clouded my mind into so much negativity.

“True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for the experience.'” Oprah Winfrey“True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for the experience.'” Oprah Winfrey.

If i were to say thank you....
I would say thank you for the (generous) time  and (DISE, SDR) skills gained, as it has made me think about future planning. Thank you for the many challenges as it has increased my resilience (and tolerance). Thank you for life changing experience, as it has made me wiser and a better decision maker. Thank for helping me realise to be more humble and friendlier towards others. Thank you for the (hard approach) role changing from SN to LB. (take up cases not special needs) Thank you for helping me realise your wise expectations. (to appreciations)

Ive realised only now that ive turn quite cold and negative on my conversations with others. Its weird that most conversations ends up with j or j. I dont like to think to talk about them. But when i do i try hard to defend myself and talk negatively about someone or the sch. I guess this few months of waiting is damaging me slowly killing me. I need to face up. I need to find a new purpose in serving my countdown so i wont feel so hard up and be a changed new better me before i start there. Ive always had lunches alone. Im nervous about who i eat with. I wish to be more humble. To be more positive and enthusiastic about what i learnt or others learnt from the past no matter how painful or difficult. I need to do some rethinking about my happiness.

Why am i feeling conscious with this new ls? Ive heard horror stories about them clashing with lb. But not all are like that right? Ive heard nice ones like mrs sm and my old ls frm bg. Anyway she may be loud and intimidating but she seemed helpful and reassuring. She did advise me how to tell sl about my pg. So i shouldn't like this right? I feel like i cannot click w her. And somemore ill be sitting next to her. Is this safe? Is there something i can do to start on the right track? To build bond and be careful about things? I mean even if i try to find out from my contacts just to make me feel safe about her. She can do the same to me. If its frm mt then its not going to be good. I know. This is my rule w her. Not to tell on her anything bad about mt  in fact i shouldn't say it to anyone. They might ask what challenges i faced there and why transfer. I can say general things like used to work at neighborhood school and prefer that culture compared to sap sch. Done. Keep it short simple. Just like an interview. Do  say about that ass and anything about p and all. Promise me. Just like an interview.  Remember that.

I cannot take it. How do people come to the impression that i work alone. And that he seem more busy than me? Those questions are quite subjective. Like being in this line has always been working alone what. Also about him being more busy? Doesn't mean that his table is messy he is busy. Or he not seen at table he is busy. He always eating in canteen. Also ive handover most task coz im leaving. What the &$#@%€¥? Felt so hurt sey

I dont know why im feeling like this. Abit saddened that im not grouped in one of the popular tables. Although i wont be able to come anyway. But it saddens me think that im like an outcast after so many wasted years here. What am i thinking still wanting to do part time sdr here. I dont owe the sch anything. in fact the school was nothing but depressing for me. No sense of direction and purpose. Alot of times i wondered if its even my fault the management is like this. Kenneth brings alot of memories. Even though he is strong willed. He alao got similar fate as me. Is it really the management, control issues? I feel regret. But i manged to do 5 years out of it. I learn something but it damages me of some sort. I donno how can i bounce back like i used to at bgps. I mean im already after 30. Age is catching up. I know i have strengths. I also know being here dampen my strength. And things becomes expectations rather then appreciation. I know i have to prepare myself on what comes ahead. Like it or not i nees to be prepared taking up what i may not like. Things not exactly wihin my jobscope.

I always question the working culture here.  Is special needs really a chore or considered extra work? Shouldn't we empathise with this kids and meet thier needs? I feel like my near attempt heartattack, to rush things out just to accommodate to sn needs is not worth it. Not appreciated. I even had to skip my meal. Not even a thank you? Isn't it your fault that you overlooked the matter? Im sort of covering up for your shit tau. Nu tak paham. I mean yg nu buat extra dikatakan negatif? Like im supposed to do it but didn't do it so troublesome? Ape yg nu buat ni considered extra tau. Terok ke culture kat sini?

Whats going on around here. Small matters are scaled to proportions?! And i thought this problem has been solved! What is this revenge? My intentions are clear hving to support dyslexia needs during non core subjects but not during her talent non core subjects. I needed 1 hr. And nope im not going to do remedial! Whats wrong with this people always going to higher up to resolve problems instead of going staight to the person itself?? Anyway my stay is only left with 6 months. After that its handover to another person, which is a other matter all together. I know i shouldn't let this small matter effect me coz its really small matter and its temporary something that will become the past. I do wan focus on my new school. But i cant help but think this sch operates on power rather than needs. Does that makes sense. So going to higher upper to hv them hv the final say. And these higher upper also they hv no idea how to listen to needs and gv appropriate suggestions. So over here people survive by backstabbing and making use of others. Power struggle thats the word. Not very fair. No wonder i feel i cannot get far no matter how hard i try. Feel like im in the wrong place wasted my years here. More to building my own portfolio coz there don care about me. Idiot i hate this place to the core what do they hv against me. Biaseness? Maybe im muslim malay tudung working in sap chinese Buddhist school. Idiot

Its been awhile since i last blogged. I guese ive been too preoccupied about being pregnant. Alhamdulillah. Long story short, its unplanned unexpected and came as a surprise to me because i was going through alot of stress during this handover period before my new posting. Yup things are killing me softly, im pretty anti social and hv trust issues as i felt he spread aome nasty things about me, and trying to prove that he is always better off then me. What happen to all that bullshit he promised. Don worry i help you when its about people skills. I shared w him all of the school's faults and stuff. End up u stab me at the back and used them as ur advantage. Going to big bossess everytime theres a small problem. Making small things mattered so big and the next update was like aolved to easily. Always covering up ur words to appear that u got the upper hand. Bullshit. This is the silent treatment u get from me. Coz i know thats ur weakness. Im not going to handhold u and guide u through this transition. U are going to go learnthe ropes by urselfs. Dont count on me on saving ur ass coz u take all credit anyways. After ive pushed u all my task. Im bidding u farewell and good luck. And wait for karma to hit itself. And waiting for the day where u quit. Coz i kind know what kind of person u are. Always taking advantage of others. I know coz im not the only victim. My mentee. Teachers. Its all slowly spreading without me saying anything. Its all ur actions.

Anyway my purpose of writting this is not to vent. I just feeling a little depressed and looking for some happiness . I know it doesn't help to be stress while pregnant. I also needed to lose weight and eat better. I will start with changing my routine to more solat for movements. And sandwich concepts for dinner. Packing healthy breakfast. And an exception of heavier meals for lunch. Fingers crossed hope this works  today is day 2

Just received my performance grade. My work review ratings were high in aspects. But my grade is still a big fat C. Disappointment. Especially if the person representi g you do not voice out my achievements. Also unfair if tye person doing my appraisal is not the same as the person doing representing me. In fact this ranking thing is an unfair judgement of anyone's work performance. Sucks. Ive never gotten a B during the time im here. D and C. Which i don think is a true representation of my work here as compared to previous school. Which i suallh get B ok!

If this is true, it means that i can only get it when im very stressed or depressed.  Who knew right? But alhamdulillah shukur. Maybe its his reminder to tell me there's more to life then all that suffering. Now im forced to do this for me. Im determined i can be more focused in life now. Phew its going to be tough. But i hv to make it.

Rasa mcm dah tak kuasa. Dah mcm2 die buat nak tekan nu. Rasa dah numb gitu dah takde effect. Pon malas nak react or do something about it. Tapi sape nu as a mentor kalo die pon tak kasi nu chan mentor die. Die pon mcm taknak learn from me. So buat ape waste time kan. Sepatutnya die la yg don make it bukan nezsa. Sakit hati. Tak tau nape nu sorang je yg nampak keburukan die. Tapi org lain tak. Nu pon tak mcm attack atau react. Tapi die buat kat nu byk. Rasa org tau tak yg kita tak get along? Rasa dorang tau tak perkara yg sebenarnya? Rasa org peduli ke? Kan nu nak blah. Suka tak suka tetap dorang kena kerja dgn die ape.

It feels uncomfortable when people wants to get to know my family. Esp if its from work. I was told that i take time to warm up to others and that i don't immediately let people in. Its true. Im careful about who i trust. And i can be loyal. But to forcefully hving others to get to know my daus name age what school she came from. Im like. Wait. Wat? I wondered why i dont feel comfortable. I mean there are things around work that involves family. Like p5 camp fire, family day, olive run. But its just a no no for me. Maybe its just me disliking the school and the place and how it effects of damage me so i dont want the same to happen to my love ones. I guese im ok if my school is where i send my daus. Hmz we qill see. Good to reflect on this

All morning i see my future school. It was weird. But i only realised it when everything was so quiet. Drving here i thought about the uluness and calmness driving to sumang walk. Walking along the classroom i see the othe classroom all new and furnished. I sighed at the thought that its only February. Felt its too long. And ao draggy. I wondered how was it like for others who alao had a few month left and cant wait to leave. Not cant bear to leave. :b then i think about how my learning difference kids who hates my lessons due to hate for reading and spelling. How different thier motivational aapects as ckmpared to other disabilities. Or ami just too naive. Anyway i see at as a good sign. Maybe allah taalaj wan to assure me that its soon. That my happiness is surely coming insyallah l. Just need to be a little more patient. That also made me wonder how do others think about people who are leaving? Relieved im still here? I had that w my ex boss. But it was short. Mine is way too long. How will anyone be relieved right?

I feel like lost here. Also i think i shut people away. I dont look for company  i prefers to be alone. Of i do get sensitive when things happen. I feel like I'm in this on my own. I feel like im punishing myself, but its not my fault. I feel like its everybody's fault. And ive tried my best but nobody appreciates me. Im dieing. Im not happy.

Omg... she actually did that? I should hv known! I wish i was there though. Its nice to see her trampled on! I heard she was shouting and arguing w my nemesis. About oweing her an apology. All he just stayed numb not defending himself. Only to ask my ro to come. But she bluntly say to her not to interfere its between him and herself! Woa. I donno how is this going to effect now. As usual he will make up his side of his story and get the emphaty of others. And get popular because of this. But im glad im going off soon. Maybe i just need to be more careful. Because he will do things to get back at her through me? He is quite a vengeful sort. I just need to keep my calm and not get reactive. And remember that it's not worth it. Remember that my future is not now. I just need to wait it out. And just so what i nees to do. Not more then that.

Why am i feeling so guilty for. Am i being picky that i can do 3 full days of p5 camp. I do hv family reasons to attend to. Y do i feel like everyone is arrowing me. I know i can either react or respond. But i think its just his way to talk himself out and show the better out of him. Thats the last thing i wana do, now that im leaving soon. Whats going on? I could find out if i want to. But nobody is by my side. The safest is go with wants arranged with the superior boss. Nobody can deny that right? But did he just did it if i keep quiet?

I moved because im looking for a place who values good work and gives recognition for hard work. Im looking for a place who accepts and understands special needs. And accepts who they instead of drilling them academically.

To he honest it was hard at first. Because i was young and driven im determined to push for a more special needs friendly environment. They hated it when i prosed ideas from my former and convince them it works. They keep on saying its different here and there so should not talk about it. The place was not ready for special needs because of its reputation and popularity in the area. I thought special needs was universal. So i fought for it. Instead it cost me a bad raking and silently unaware that i was degraded for 3 years although my ratings for appraisal was all high. Depressed lost and desperate, umpteenth times i tried to get out. But couldn't. I even had a wrath experience with two mentees that turned against each other, and turned nasty. When one left, the other stabbed me at the back. It was hard. Because all ny pillars of strengh were leaving. But when things got even harder. I successfully got transfer. Tricky complicated but at least im out! Time to start fresh and be happy simply.

It was quite a rough depressing emotional rollercoaster last few days. I was trying hard to find some recognition. I wondered if i don't deserve it. But after that meeting w my ro and my nemesis. Its obvious that he's desperate. I was relieved when she asked for our last year's appraisal report. When i said that its possible to print even though done online. It shut him up. Haizz... idk what was he up to? This is my chance. Because i know i did well in my appraisal. So today when i printed and read my previous ro's comments as well as my high far exceeding ratings. I was assured my recognition at last! Alhamdulillah shukur allah taalah for showing me. For assuring me that i did well in my time here. I dont need to boast about it. I dont need to prove myself harder nor compete with his arguments around other people to show off. Whats in my appraisal shows it all. And im proud to say that this school will be missing a very good lbs. Haiz.... thank u allah for showing me this signs. Im grateful.

I need to calm down. Now. Stop judging urself. It all doesn't mean anything. What does she mean based on parent feedback. I don remember hving bad feedback from parents. I know my relationship with parent is all good right? Why must she see both of us and talk about cases. We hv already done that during tracking what. Why i feel that he communicates more to her then me. Why i feel like im something is going to stab me from the back. Why am i so afraid. I hate this waiting. I hate that i cant mentor. Am i supposed to? Or not? Will it be a bad thing if he didn't turn how he is supposed to be. Or maybe they haven't seen his worst yet. The vp have im sure. But my pillar of strength is no longer here. Who is is helping me feel safe? I feel very vulnerable.

Shes more like who does better, who does more. But other is more like she's more experience, you should learn from her. I think its more like he graduate, so definitely better. Im kinda sick of all this crap. Maybe im still hoping for that recognition. Which i know for sure i will never get. So why hope? Like the quote "Just do what you are told. Don't beat urself up. Its not worth it." Should just do that. Its just January. Ur focus should be handover. Actually you should be doing much less. So u can train him. But the fact is. He not training material. Maybe i shouldn't tell her about my concern. She don't understand why anyway.  But i think i can just tell her that. P wants me to use this time to train and guide him and new one. I could emphasize handover. Anything to do w it. So that everyone clear that im leaving. I don't need to compete anymore. Im done here. Im still on top. Im leaving. Im handing over whether u like it or not.

I had such an enlightening dream last night. How nice if it were true. When i first woke up i thought it was friday. I knew something was good, then i realises it was the dream i had. I dream of my future sch. And vp was in it. Ohh she was so nice. Weird that earlier the vp in my current sch talk to my sn boy and talk to me about what what they talked. Is allah trying to show me something? Is it the unmotivated demeanour im hving last few days? Its true its been such a drag. I feel really unbelonged. I think i forced it upon myself not to socialize. Its like im punishing this school that i have suffered so much damage from. But actually im punishing myself. I got to stop all this. Cannot wait for something nice to happen. I have to look for it. I deserve to be happy here. I should build bridges not burn them. Who knows theres people who wants to ship over. Its all about making connections. But i hate it when i have to answer why im transferring. It could have been better here but im not happy. I couldn't say that of course. Of course they don understand the make-up behind it. I wish i had someone else to share this pain and make things easier for me to transit happily or sadly whichever makes sense.

you don't talk ah?

Just reflected about the time i was interviewed for new school. Why is it he has the impression that i dont talk. That i work behind stacks of papers. Just because i said administrative processes and systems. What does he wants of me? To be more extrovert? Which reminds me about an article. Extroverted bosses wants their introverted employees to be more extroverted, and introverted bosses wants thier extroverted employees to be introverted. It's because we are living in a world of mostly extroverts and its not a norm to be different, to be introverted. Then the articles stressed on strengths that introverts has like good listener, thinker, thus better planner and problem solver. Most of the time these introverts always supports the poor qualities of extrovertedness. Which can be perceived as bullying or taken advantage of. Hmzz... good read and reflection.

Yesterday was history. I need to stop. I need to stop setting expectations of myself. U are leaving for goodness sake. Stop trying to set urself better then him. No matter what you do you are not needed here. Feedback will all be negative. So stop trying to convince otherwise. You are not his mentor. He is his own mentor. You are not his boss. He is his own boss. You dont hv credentials. He has all the credentials. So where does that leave u? Beating urself up and setting new expectations of urself wont help. Its not worth it. He is not worth it. This school is not worth it. Just do what you are told. No need to be so proactive. Don't even try. Remember to do transition.  How to? With him being his own boss. He is just pushing things around. I should be doing the minimum. He should learn from me. But felt that he is pushing delaying not serious. End up i know im going to get bad feedback anyway. Its not just him i can convince. Its my direct ro? But she's biased herself. So who does that leave me? Her? Can try. But im not her responsibility.

Over ambitious, over proactive? Suggest too many, may not be able to deliver. Poor planning. Perceived by others as someone who so busy as he has so much on his plate. And too much burden on own's shoulders. Person who seem to bite on more then he can chew. Usually would choke and be very depressed. Which happen before. Got the attention of others. And became popular! What?! Actually the problems he raised, i could easily suggest answers to solve them. But he is asking for the worst! Let him be la. Hope he learns his lesson. Which i don think he gets it.

Today i i don't seem to have the mood to talk or meet anyone. Already i know i finish late for meetings today. And he is already on top of it. Asking me what i want to raise when he already listed all the things thats supposed to raised. I feel very much inferior in my own school. Everywhere i turn i see people judging me comparing me w how much better he must be. It makes me feel negative and forced me to look at areas im not good at or things i hvnt done. It sucks to always feel like this. I know i have no place here. I just want to dissappear. But i feel i always hv eyes watching me. Eyes judging me.

Im trying my best to be positive. I know. Mahbe prepping for my sdr next week should ease my negativity. Hopefully. To hell if he want to score brownie points for meeting later. I don care. I hope not to let this effect me. He should lead right he's taking over anyway.  I feel that im always winning. Becoz im out. U hv to deal with all this crap. That leaves me worried because i deserve some recognition at least. But i feel i had none. Positive... try to be positive. Think of sdr. Think of engagement matters.

sweet retribution

Sweet retribution.  I would use this word to describe today. Karma too. Also some other words, gossip, and caring award? Bleh... Its nice to see someone so popular and well loved by staff be put down of his recklessness by the superiors. Like finally! He is not all perfect like what everybody thinks ok. I'd like to say 'right back at ya!' Haha. Also a nice exit for me. Just counting down. Slowly but surely. Alhamdulillah.