Feeling so stupid right now. I wish i had more thinking time to process my speech rather then just go and end it. It happen again. Twice! I just take time to open up to people. But with this situation im so worried about what people think of me and now its just. Haiz... after talking to abg and saw the real truth i felt even worst. I felt so stupid. This was my one chance and i ruined it. I told myself i can talk and get excited talking about what i love. But it was wrong time wrong place too sudden too abrupt. How do i turn it around? I do not want them to remember me this way. Ive got so many questions. Does he has high expectations of me? Did he regret choosing me? Did I fail him by being pregnant and off from work again at this such leftover time of 4 months. Is that why he kept on attacking me. It's effecting me so badly. As if im no good in anything. Im so lost and troubled right now. I don't know how to turn it around. I wish there's somebody who can assure me that its ok. Im scared i screw up again. Will they forget about what happen?
After talking it out, i realised something worrying. There were many encounters with him. And it started out at the wrong step and now he is just attacking me and making me feel this way every time. i think its the 3rd encounter this time. The first was when he blamed it on me for not informing after being rejected getting me to start in jan instead of jun right after a harsh convo with my ex p. I felt so wrong of myself but later found out that its his fault and manage to not take it too personally. Second was when i inform about my pregnancy when during intvw he ask if im planning for 2nd i said no. 3rd was when he introduce me to staff and later cut me off and imply that im going off again so soon because or maternity leave. I was so embarrassed. 4th was when he ask new comers about how was our few days during contact time but when it comes to me he ask me more excessively about whether i used my skills. Of course i answeres general as there were everybody there like say its good and i learnt alot. Then he ask me to name name of pupils. I got shock and i ans not supposed to mentioned names. He said its ok. Cut me off and endded the meeting.
I have enough of him attacking me. Its him now i need to study. But i don contact with him so much. I also don want to be in his bad books. I don blame him for being angry at me. But those situations i hv no control over things. I cant control my ex p cant release me early. I cant control being pregnant. Is he going to continue attacking me again? Does it make him feel good? I don see him attacking other staff like he do me. But i do see some people got uncomfortable when being asked questions and not rebutting it.
Honestly im abit lost on how am i supposed to do my work. As if everything is done up for me already. And they are expecting of me things that are way off because things seem to be more milder and ok now? Im getting a lot of mixed opinions and im not sure who or wat to focus on right now.
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